Fertility Awareness before "TTC"

Why is this still a question we're even asking?

I am delighted to have

Amber Adrian

joining us today to talk about fertility education for young women, both in general and about a specific program Amber has recently been trained to offer. This topic—fertility education before “trying to conceive”—is a fraught one in our wider cultural landscape, and it’s a tremendous gift to me (as a mother of two daughters) to know that options like this are becoming more widely available.

Photo by Antonino Visalli on Unsplash

SD: Amber! Thank you so much for joining us today! Before we get started, would you tell me (and our readers) a little more about yourself and your family?

AA: Yes! Hello! I'm a mother of three girls (ages 8, 6, and almost 3) and wife of 11 years living in the Midwest, USA. I used to be a middle school English teacher but for the last decade or so have been primarily an at-home parent, and I've also become a writer in that time, which has been a cool journey. I'm a recent Catholic convert. I write about womanhood, motherhood, personal growth, and culture, on Substack and for other places on the Internet. Books and good conversation are by far my favorite things. 

So, you and I were chatting a few months back about an experience I think we both shared, which is struggling to view our female body as "good" before learning more about how it works. If you're open to sharing a little more about that, I'd love to hear more!

Yes. This is a fascinating topic and one I've become really passionate about. Because the truth is that I actually didn't think much about my body for years. I have an expansive interior life—I was always super imaginative and curious even as a child—and I mostly lived inside my head for as long as I can remember! When I started to identify as a feminist in college, I think that encouraged my disembodiment even more. This is embarrassing, but I've come to understand I kind of had this narrative like, women who care about their bodies and their appearance are shallow; I'm deeper than that. I'm a woman of INTELLECT. As if caring about your body and your mind are mutually exclusive. *eye roll at my younger self*

I actually relate to that a lot. For me, even as a young girl, there was this dichotomy of "those who care about their image" (ie, the “popular” kids at school who wore make-up, paid a lot of money for clothes, enjoyed getting dressed up for dances, etc.) and "those who take care of their image as an afterthought" (in my life, that was theater kids, some swimming kids, and then the "unpopular" kids at school like myself—what funny little stories we make up about our role in our wider community). This was, I’ve come to realize, absolutely not based in reality (!!) but it gave me some comfort during my own adolescence to divide the world out like this. As I grew up, those categories became more nuanced, but they didn't go away completely. I took a weird sort of pride in not caring all that much about my appearance, and often felt like the "body-ness" of my body was just inconvenient. Did you ever experience that? If so, when did that view of "body as inconvenient" start to change for you? What did that process look like? 

Yes, a sense of pride! Same! And for me I think it related to that dichotomy in my head. Women can be pretty or smart. I'm almost embarrassed to admit to buying into such a strange idea but there was something there in my, let's say, feminist indoctrination. And yeah, regarding inconvenience, I don't think it was as much "inconvenient" was it was just, like, irrelevant! I mean, as almost all women do, sadly, I saw my period as inconvenient whenever it showed up, but overall, I just didn't think much about my body. I didn't understand anything about my cycle or my fertility at all. I was 30 years old when I learned that a woman can only get pregnant a handful of days each month. I remember being really confused and annoyed about that, because I considered myself such a smart, well-informed woman! 

When did it change? When I became a mother. Becoming a mother that put me in touch with the wonders of the female body: I learned I can grow a human being, birth that human being, and then sustain that human being's life—all with my body (no intellect required!). It's crazy! Breastfeeding has been such a beautiful and meaningful experience for me (not that it was all sunshine and rainbows), and my birth experiences fundamentally changed me, especially my third (an unmedicated homebirth). Nothing has made me feel more proud of and connected to my own body than motherhood. It's been a powerful shift for me! 

Yes! This has been my experience as well. It started when I learned to chart (in college) and really took off during my pregnancy and birth with my eldest. I've gone full "birth nerd" and, more generally, "female body nerd" and will never go back. As a mother of two daughters, I think regularly about how my husband and I can teach them to love and appreciate and respect their bodies, rather than going into adolescence and young adulthood with this low-frequency, background irritation. 

You recently asked me if I'd encountered The Cycle Show, a program to teach girls about their bodies. Their branding looks familiar to me—I used to plan bioethics conferences and may have come across them in that capacity? I'd love to hear more about The Cycle Show and the work they're doing!

I'm a *total* birth nerd as well. Oh, that's such a good way to put it—"low-frequency, background irritation." Ok yes, The Cycle Show! I recently completed the initial training to become an instructor, so it's very fresh on my mind. It's a 5-hour interactive workshop for 9 to 12-year-old girls that teaches them all about female fertility and the beautiful capacity of their bodies. It frames the period accordingly—your body is so rich that, like nature, it can afford to build up all that luxury every month, just in case the important guest arrives! (It's very metaphor and narrative-driven and fun, even as it provides a lot of straight factual information. We do a little role-play where Taylor Swift is the special guest, and then that translates to the workshop when we're talking about the processes of the body. It's brilliant!) It comes out of Germany, from a woman's PhD dissertation work on NFP (we got to Zoom with her from Munich during the training and she's so cool). It's only just beginning to have a presence here in the United States, through The Guiding Star Project, an amazing women's health non-profit.

It's an intimate workshop, where they are with one trusted adult (the instructor) and a group of 10-15 peers. This is very intentional. Girls can sometimes be embarrassed by their mother's presence, and, as any classroom teacher knows, the number of students in a class makes a big difference in creating a sense of trust and unity in a group setting. There's a parent info session the night before so parents know what it's all about, but they don't come to the workshop itself. It's so well done. As a former teacher myself, I honestly don't see many improvements to be made: the creator really understood this age group and how to create an experience that's extremely engaging and memorable. I completed my initial training as I said, and I'm now in the practice-and-gather-my-materials phase. I'll be doing my certification workshop this fall, and after that I'll be offering it locally (or not locally!) to groups of girls! I'm thrilled to be doing this as I'll get to continue to use my teaching skills but about a topic I've become so passionate about! 

What is the importance of teaching girls about their bodies before they reach the age of biological fertility? What kind of impact does that have? I think there are some girls who are really excited to grow up, get their period, "become women", and so on... and then there are other girls who are really hesitant or fearful, or who have maybe a sense of shame or embarrassment about the ways their bodies are changing. Can a thorough understanding of their body help both "types" of girls?

This is a great question. Absolutely. The workshop's primary aim is to invoke a sense of awe and wonder for the female body as the center of the creation of life. In Germany, the age range for the workshop is actually 9-13, but Guiding Star realized they needed to lower the age here in the U.S. because of just what you said—by age 13, many U.S. girls are already jaded about this topic. They've often already lost the openness and curiosity children naturally have, and already have a sense of embarrassment or burden about their female bodies. Instructors help parents determine if and when their daughters are a good fit for the workshop, as well—there's a questionnaire, and we've received guidance about how to navigate conversations with parents around their daughter's readiness or ability to engage in the experience. 

So ideally, they would come before there is any sense of fear or shame about their bodies, but even if there is, the experience of the workshop usually wipes it right out. My supervisor is an experienced instructor, and she said she's never had girls go away unchanged by workshop. Sometimes girls come in a bit jaded or skeptical, and when they get the vibe of the room and that this is truly a safe and intentional space and instruction that's engaging and also good information, they're in. No matter how they come in, the feedback is always along the lines of I know now why all this happens, it makes me amazing and special, and I don't feel scared about it. The workshop even touches briefly on birth and breastfeeding, which I was so happy to see as so many women have fear or discomfort around these embodied experiences (I know I did!).

That’s amazing! And then, I saw mention of a similar program for young boys—do you have any experience with this? There's this pervasive stereotype that men would rather die than buy pads at the grocery store, and while I think we are starting to see a cultural shift away from that embarrassment, I'd also love to believe that there are things we as families and members of the Church can do to help build not only a woman's respect for her own body, but also a masculine appreciation for what's happening in the bodies of their sisters and girlfriends and wives, and a wider cultural respect for women's bodies in general (catch me whispering under my breath that this isn't the time to get into birth control as a panacea for every issue a woman has ever had in the history of women). 

Yes! There is a program for boys this same age called Agents on a Mission, through the same organization in Germany. It educates boys on puberty and has a large component of respect and education around the female body, too! Because yes, that is huge! Things are in the works to bring that workshop to the U.S. as well. It sounds like it will be in the next few years. We will need male instructors for that one, so pray for men to show up who want to impact the next generation! And yes, do we ever need more cultural respect for women’s bodies. Don’t get me started!

Agents on a Mission has me ROLLING with laughter. I can’t wait to see how these two programs gain traction in the States!

For readers who maybe are past that 9-12 years age range (lol), but who are wanting to dive deeper in their understanding of their body, do you have any resources you'd recommend?

Ha, I know, as I've talked about The Cycle Show so many people are like "Women need this! I need this!" I don't know about you, but I definitely see a cultural shift around this topic, women starting to realize things like hey, I'm not built for the hustle (for example). I see a lot of talk on Instagram about cycle syncing, etc. So just following some fertility awareness-type accounts there would be a good start! I'm also a big fan of books when I'm learning about something. Two I own that I found super helpful are Do Less: A Revolutionary Approach to Productivity for Ambitious Women and In the Flo (written by the same author as The Woman Code, which I haven't read but have heard is great). Someone recommended one to me recently called Period Power which looks really good as well. I'm sure there are many others; perhaps your readers can chime in. 

I'd also say, learn about fertility awareness methods! So many women think they need to use a method of birth control that suppresses their body's natural, healthy functions, because that is what's normal in our culture (and the stereotypes about Catholic families and their "birth control" just won't die). Find yourself a local NFP practitioner and just meet with them to learn about it: there are all these amazing women helping fellow women understand their fertility (and therefore their bodies as a whole) through their consultation work in this area. We personally use the Marquette method. I've gotten so much more in tune with my body through NFP—and it's honestly taken my marriage to a whole 'nother level too. Like you were saying above, we need to teach men to respect and revere women’s bodies, and this has helped my husband do just that! It’s… amazing. This is a great overview of different fertility awareness methods that I like to pass along to women!

Amber, thank you again for sharing your wisdom with us. We've got two daughters under the age of three, so while all of this is still a few years off for us, it's something that's been on my mind since before they were born. It's such a gift for us to learn from others who can offer this kind of insight. If folks want to connect with you or stay up to date with your writing, where can they find you?

Absolutely, and thanks for hosting this conversation! It's been a pleasure to "talk" with you. Yes, as I mentioned I have daughters too! So this isn't just a topic of intellectual interest for me. I write here on Substack at One Tired Mother. I'm also on Instagram @radical.homemaker. I love to connect with thoughtful women and mothers, so please come say hello!