the weight of you

(is this how we do poetry now?)

Photo by Omar Lopez on Unsplash

sometimes i wish 
i could hold you forever 
in that moment 
     between day 
     and night 
when your head
     heavy with sleep
rests on my shoulder 
and i sing you a quiet lullaby 
     (your sister sings too
     even when she doesn't know the words)

salve, regina
mater misericordiae

the weight of you in my arms feels different then: 
still 
     and 
quiet 
     and 
safe 
     and 
warm

vita, dulcedo, et spes nostra, salve.

gone are the hours when the weight of you feels too much:
     (when did you get so big?)
my tired arms begging for relief 
as you beg for anything but the floor
     (can't i just have a few minutes?)
your struggles to wiggle away, 
down to the ground, 
   to find the nearest doll 
     or set of stairs, 
        to chase that bug 
           or eat that tasty piece 
              of sidewalk chalk

ad te clamamus, exsules, filii hevae
ad te suspiramus, 
gementes et flentes,
in hac lacrimarum valle

gone is the protest of hunger
your belly full of warm, sweet milk 
that lulls us both to sleep

gone is the never-ending need 
to move
to play 
and yes, to hit
               and throw
               and yank

eia ergo, advocata nostra,
illos tuos misericordes oculos
ad nos converte

i sing the ancient words as slowly as i can
shifting my weight 
back 
                    and forth 
and back 
                    and forth 
and back 
                    and forth
maybe if i sing it one more time?

i draw out the moment as long as i can
knowing all too well how soon the time will come 
for me to relinquish my grasp on you 
and lay you down 
and let you take your fill of the sleep that prepares us both for tomorrow

knowing all too well how soon the time will come 
for me to relinquish my grasp on you 
and send you off to play with friends
to learn
to grow
to fly
ah, how quickly do the years go by...

can i make this moment last forever?

yet what would i lose if i did?

if we stayed in the dark 
and the still 
and the quiet, 
i would never again see your sweet dimpled cheeks as your smile lights up the world

let your laughter turn my day 
around

never again feel 
your 
     tiny 
          feet 
               kneading 
          my 
     sourdough 
stomach 
as we lay in bed in the morning

never again watch you 
t     o     d     d     l     e 
a     c     r     o     s     s 
t   h   e   g   r   a   s   s 
your knees locked
your feet spread wide
almost-but-not-quite falling 
     lifting up your hands
          squealing with delight

et Iesum 
benedictum fructum ventris tui
nobis 
     (post hoc exsilium)
ostende

and so, every night

although
i wish i could stay forever 
with the weight of you pressing on my chest
your little heart beating 
and your warm breath on my neck

i end my song

o clemens

i say goodnight

o pia

i lay you 
          (and this
          i suppose
          is motherhood:
          the great detaching
          to birth
          to wean
          to raise
          to send)
down

o dulcis

forever feeling the weight of you 
even as i 
                let 
                      you 
                              go

virgo maria

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