Am I irresponsible for letting my 2yo crack eggs?
I don't think so? Ability, responsibility, and family culture.
My daughter LOVES being a part of the goings-on in our kitchen. Whether that’s mixing, chopping, cooking, or washing, she wants to be involved. My mother-in-law gifted her a kitchen tower so she could reach the counter height safely, so now we get to involve her in much of our meal prep. Her current favorite activity is cracking and stirring eggs, so every time I make her eggs, I ask her to come and help (and if I forget, she’ll take the egg out of my hand with an insistent, “My turn!”). She taps the eggs on the side of the bowl, hands the cracked egg to me to split, and then stirs the eggs and seasoning together after I break the yolks. We then pour the eggs into the pan together, and take turns stirring them as they cook. Occasionally, I’ll remind her to be careful around the hot pan, but she’s generally very aware of what she can and can’t touch. If she does accidentally touch the pan, we get a wet rag to cool her skin down and I remind her to pause and check for heat before touching anything. At the end of the process, we cut the eggs and plate them, and she’s much more interested in eating them since she’s played an integral role in their preparation.
It is a core tenet of Montessori education that children ought to be given the space and skills to complete tasks within their realm of competence and interest. In other words, if a child is interested in doing something, and is physically and mentally capable of it, our job as parents is to help them master the doing of it. We can create an environment that facilitates independence, and work with them to practice and master the necessary steps.1 It is a core tenet of Catholic Social Teaching that matters ought to be handled by the smallest, lowest, or least centralized competent authority. This is referred to as the principle of subsidiarity, and it is meant to ensure that, “what individuals can accomplish by their own initiative and efforts [is not] taken from them by a higher authority.”2 In other words, what our kids can do by themselves, we ought not (always) do for them. When we combine these principles - independence, mastery, and subsidiarity - in our approach to family life and childrearing, amazing things can occur.
The family is a little society within itself, as well as a part of a larger neighborhood, city, or church society, so the principle of subsidiarity can be appropriately applied in several ways within the context of the family. Within the members of the family, the lower “levels of government” - the children - ought to be empowered to handle their own tasks as much as possible, either alone or with the help of an older sibling. This means developing in our children the skill sets they need in order to succeed. While today I’m talking specifically about tasks related to personal management, such as cooking, cleaning, dressing, hygiene, and the like, this can certainly be applied to interpersonal tasks like conflict management and cooperation as well.
We can take as our motto this quote from Pope Francis:
Let us keep in mind the principle of subsidiarity, which grants freedom to develop the capabilities present at every level of society, while also demanding a greater sense of responsibility for the common good from those who wield greater power.
- Laudato Si 196
This is our goal: developing the capabilities present in each level of our families, specifically our children, while giving them a greater sense of their responsibility for the family’s common good as they take on greater roles. As we get to know our children, their unique interests and abilities, we can gently guide them to areas where they can develop their physical abilities, as well as their natural and supernatural gifts. At first, this might just include basic human functions: dressing themselves, preparing simple meals, brushing their teeth, or cleaning their room. But as our children grow, becoming more independent and self-capable, they will also be held to a higher standard of responsibility, both for their own good and for the good of the family as a whole. As they are able, they can complete acts of service to the entire family (such as loading or unloading the dishwasher, assisting with meal planning or prepping, or tidying up the living room), as well as work to cultivate their gifts (such as music, art, or writing).3
Not only does this allow the child to take ownership of their work, it also frees us up as parents to focus on things that our children cannot do. For example, if I know my child can put her own shoes on (we’re not there yet, but maybe one day), then I can focus on getting the baby dressed or packing the diaper bag. Likewise, if I can rely on my child to sweep under the table after a family meal, I can work on putting the leftovers away. This distribution of labor allows the entire family to function more efficiently, and frees up time and mental energy for everyone to participate in the joys of family life more fully.
The benefits of applying subsidiarity in the home also extend beyond the early years. We are not only teaching our children how to complete specific tasks; we are also providing a framework for them to continue recognizing and developing their gifts, caring for themselves and their communities, and accepting appropriate responsibility throughout their lives. Our children will be accustomed to mastering new tasks and skills, and they will know how to work within a team as well as on their own. This, we pray, will be an essential aid as they discern and live out their Big V and little v vocations.
As a final note, it’s important to remember that Catholic Social Teaching does not embrace subsidiarity as a way to create distance between individuals. Subsidiarity is balanced by the principles of solidarity (which emphasizes our unity as a human family and our obligations to one another) and the right to participation (which emphasizes our right AND duty to participate in each level of our society). In other words, while we ought to be actively empowering our children to take on new skills and responsibilities within the home, we must do so while maintaining an active sense of our interdependence, even after our children are older and able to function on their own. Leah Libresco Sargeant over at Other Feminisms has some excellent pieces that focus on this interdependence, so I’d highly recommend you check out her work.
In the meantime, I’d love to hear from you! What are some areas in your family life where you have applied (or would like to apply) the principles of mastery, independence, and subsidiarity?
I see this a lot as an Elimination Communication coach - while it might not be possible to achieve totally potty independence in a young toddler, it is definitely possible to teach the key steps (recognizing the bodily sensations and asking for help to use the toilet) at a much earlier age than many people believe. At that point, the child no longer needs diapers, which allows them to feel like a “big kid” and fosters a desire for greater mastery. From there, you add on potty-adjacent skills until the child has achieved independence.
YOUCAT 323
I’m about halfway through the audiobook of Hunt, Gather, Parent, a book about indigenous parenting styles that, all things considered, is less shocking than I think the author wanted it to be. (Book club! It’s coming! One day!) One of the points that the author makes is that the indigenous parents she lived with expect their children to be active, contributing members of the household, and that the children embraced this role and thrived in it. Children are seeking to discover their role within their family, and they do so by observing and imitating the other children and adults to whom they are exposed.