Be Clear (Honest, Specific)
WEEK 5: Ten Potty-Training Ways of Being
If you’d like to access the introduction/Table of Contents for this series, you can do so here.
Our fifth virtue from our list of the Ten Potty Training Ways of Being is clarity. Saying what you mean, and meaning what you say. While this sounds almost insultingly simple, I know that I regularly do not follow this principle in one way or another. So this week, we’ll discuss ways in which we can prioritize a sense of certainty and good old-fashioned truth-telling.
Be clear – There is also no room for ambiguity or doubt. When you are very clear, and consistent, your child eventually gets that you are serious and follows in suit. I’ve taught elimination communication for years now, and it’s so important to clearly communicate to your child. Again, if you become fuzzy, notice that, take a deep breath, and move forward with a clear direction.
- Andrea Olson, The Tiny Potty Training Book (affiliate link)
Clarity is another quasi-virtue, similar to physicality; however, honesty, of which clarity is perhaps a specific “flavor”, is certainly a real virtue. Speaking clearly doesn’t refer to our enunciation, but rather to the way in which our words do (or do not) communicate what we are trying to communicate. We must, of course, do so with kindness, but without that false kindness that serves to spare the feelings at the expense of the soul.
Clarity of speech forces us to fully understand the heart of what we are trying to say. This might be a simple fact: “Pee goes in the potty.” It might be very personal: “I feel rejected when you don’t spend time with me.” We might, upon further reflection, realize that the thing we want to talk about is only a small part of a wider topic, or a single manifestation of a larger discussion. We might realize that a particular behavior causes a strong response in us because of something completely outside the other person’s control. Or, we might conclude that what we want to say is exactly what it seems to be. But that’s part of the beauty. When we are in the habit of evaluating first and speaking second, so that we can say exactly what we mean and mean everything we say, we’re able to bypass a lot of the fluff, to stand firm in our convictions, and to carefully choose the words we use to communicate.
The vices—or at least the opposites—of clarity would include ambiguity, dishonesty, and intentional obfuscation. I think we all have a tendency to talk ourselves in circles, to talk around our point, or to say something in a way that’s juuust vague enough that the other person can’t quite follow. This may be based in our own confusion or uncertainty, in fear of a negative response, or simply in thoughtlessness. The danger here is, at best, a simple misunderstanding that causes a moment of relational strife, and at worst, deception or shoving-down-of-feelings that can cause deep wounds.
Clarity allows us to show affection and respect to our loved ones, to express our needs, to set boundaries where they need to be set, and to more fully understand our own hearts in our journey towards heaven.
When we are in the habit of evaluating first and speaking second, so that we can say exactly what we mean and mean everything we say, we’re able to bypass a lot of the fluff, to stand firm in our convictions, and to carefully choose the words we use to communicate.
While this discussion has gone a little bit sideways—we started at “say what you mean to say” and we’ve ended closer to “search your feelings; you know it to be true”—we have no regrets and will plunge wholeheartedly into the latter in pursuit of the former as we list some of the ways we can be more clear in our daily lives.
With ourselves: When setting goals, be realistic, specific, and targeted. Don’t say, “I want to work out more” if what you mean is “I want to get skinny” and what you actually mean is “I want to feel comfortable in my own skin”. Spend time uncovering the desire at the heart of your goal-setting and then adjust your goals to meet the desire.
In prayer: Be specific in bringing your intercessions to the Lord, in expressing your gratitude, and in recognizing the graces you see in your life. No more “I want to pray for Russell” and leaving it at that. When you find a Scripture verse or a quote from a saint that speaks to your heart, lean in with curiosity to understand why that is. Wrestle with the desires that the Lord is putting on your heart and what he might be asking of you.
With children: Don’t tell your children things that aren’t true. Don’t hide the truth because it’s more convenient or easier for you. Accept that there will be times that they have (over-) emotional reactions to the things that you tell them, and weather those storms with them. Tell your children (step-by-step if needed) exactly what you need or expect from them. Pay attention to the times they get confused or overwhelmed, and use those situations as opportunities for reflection.
With friends: When they ask, “Can I do anything to help?” say “Yes” and then give them a specific task. Affirm them; share the way you see the Lord working in their heart; comment on their new haircut or glasses. If there is a behavior (within their control, for example, if they have a tendency to gossip) that you would like them to stop doing around you, ask them directly and politely, rather than passive-aggressively trying to imply your way to them figuring it out on their own.
With spouses: Tell your spouse things that you love and respect about him or her, rather than simply saying, “I love you.” Likewise, when talking about a disagreement or a wound, don’t speak around the issue at heart and then blame your spouse for not understanding. (But do keep in mind that sometimes the talking is what reveals the heart of the conflict, and that’s not the same thing.) If you want to do something together or if you want a particular gift/celebration/etc, ask rather than dropping hints. Be willing to recognize and admit when you were unclear in the past and stop blaming them for things they couldn’t have known.
Do you ever tell your kids “we’ll see” when what you mean is “no, absolutely not”? Have you encountered a situation where you were (intentionally or accidentally) unclear, with problematic consequences? What is one area of your life that would benefit from a stronger habit of clarity?