Be Kind (Charitable, Respectful)

WEEK 4: Ten Potty Training Ways of Being

If you’d like to access the introduction/Table of Contents for this series, you can do so here.

Photo by Bethany Beck on Unsplash

Our fourth virtue from our list of the Ten Potty Training Ways of Being is kindness. Being kind means choosing to speak and act in charity, with the good of the other person at the forefront of our minds. Kindness doesn’t mean always being nice, it doesn’t mean always being happy, but it does mean doing our best to maintain a pleasant and respectful affect even when facing intense emotions or uncomfortable situations.

Be kind – There is no room for coercion, meanness, anger, or punishment in potty training. This is a normal bodily function and we are simply teaching where it now goes. We do this with kindness and respect. Of course, we all get frustrated. Acknowledge it, take a deep breath, and carry on. (And, be kind to yourself! You deserve it.)

- Andrea Olson, The Tiny Potty Training Book (affiliate link)

One of the fruits of the Holy Spirit, kindness is, in many ways, a hard trait to nail down, especially when you ask someone how they relate kindness to words that “surround” it. Is being kind the same as being nice? Is it the same as being respectful? Loving? Charitable? Personally, I don’t consider being “nice” and being “kind” the same thing, but my husband does. So it’s worth taking a few minutes to explore exactly what we mean when we talk about kindness, if only for the purposes of this discussion.

A quick search reveals that kindness is generally defined as being “friendly, generous, and considerate,” which feels fair enough. I think we could expand on that and say that kindness is the trait of being pleasant even when it’s difficult, out of respect for the dignity of the person you’re interacting with. Or, perhaps, kindness is a fruit of self-mastery: the trait wherein we choose not to let our actions be dictated by our emotions, but rather, we act from a conscious awareness of the dignity of every other person.

Is that asking too much of simple kindness?

Regardless of how exactly you want to define “being kind,” the vices opposed to kindness are intuitive enough: rudeness, unjust or untempered anger, selfishness, and generally being a turd. Speaking in a harsh tone or using impolite language toward a store employee, for example, would be making an unkind choice. Both the driver who cuts someone off in traffic and the driver who gives in to road rage and chases them off the road are acting unkindly. And the “friend” who constantly offers backhanded compliments or gossips non-stop? Also being unkind.

As a final thought, sometimes making a kind choice will be difficult because it involves self-sacrifice: I think of a child who chooses to share a toy that they love, or someone who forgives a deep wound. But other times, acting with kindness will be difficult because it requires intense self-mastery: not getting carried away by anger when we deal with a friend slighting us again, maintaining composure when a child spills milk all over the floor we just cleaned, or choosing to talk with a loved one about a way they’ve hurt us, or a worry we have for their safety and holiness. In all of these latter situations, we can choose to be kind or we can choose to wield our words so as to inflict harm, and there is great grace available when we choose kindness.

Now that we’ve got a sense of what kindness looks like in the abstract, we can move on to discussing some ways we can put this virtue into practice. In many cases, choosing kindness will simply mean going about our normal activities with an intentional respect for those around us; however, there are certainly ways in which we can go about practicing kindness “on its own” as well.

With ourselves: Practice interrupting our negative self-talk with words that are at least neutral and factual: “I’m just such a—No, we don’t talk like that anymore. My home is messy because my children need most of my attention right now.” Build on the previous three traits in this series to ensure we meet our needs: eating, sleeping, praying, etc. Honestly evaluate your capacity and say “yes” or “no” to social commitments as you need, not just as you want. Apologize and forgive, both yourself and others. Pay attention to the way you talk about or to others (strangers, friends, etc.) internally and try to tweak your dialogue to get in the habit of extending more grace to people.

In prayer: Refrain from allowing your prayer time to become a Gripe Sesh with Jesus (TM), wherein you recite a litany of things others have done that hurt us and then stop there, leaving to ruminate more “on my own time”. Don’t try to hold God hostage or try to manipulate Him: “I won’t… unless you…” or “I’ll only… if you…” Practice gratitude and cultivate an awareness of your dependence. Embrace the power of intercessory prayer, both in asking for prayers and in praying for others. Meditate on the lives of the saints.

With children: Practice self-regulating and maintaining an even tone of voice in frustrating or overstimulating moments. Remind yourself that your emotions are your responsibility, not your child’s. Model and teach kindness to self and others. Talk with your children about respect and show them respect as well. Leave an encouraging note in their lunch box.

With friends: Respect confidence and privacy, rather than gossiping, when a friend shares something with you. Show understanding when plans have to change last-minute. Bring them dinner when they’re ill or just had a baby. Listen attentively when they’ve had a bad day, and only offer advice when asked. Leave cookies or muffins on their porch (in a sealed container).

With spouses: Don’t pick fights just because you’re in a bad mood. Do, without their asking, little things that make them feel loved and cherished and supported. Remind yourself that their 9-to-5 or “daily grind” doesn’t look the same as yours, and repeat yourself again when they ask a question you think they should know the answer to. Bring up concerns or hurts when you are not feeling dysregulated, rather than in the heat of the moment.

Do you use the words “nice” and “kind” interchangeably? What is the kindest thing someone has done for you this week? What is one kind thing you can do for someone next week - not in the abstract, but looking at your actual plans for the week?