Be Consistent (Repetitive)

WEEK 2: Ten Potty Training Ways of Being

If you’d like to access the introduction/Table of Contents for this series, you can do so here.

Photo by Charlein Gracia on Unsplash

Our second virtue from our list of the Ten Potty Training Ways of Being is consistency. Google defines consistency as “the achievement of a level of performance that does not vary greatly in quality over time.” Consistency is a virtue that allows us to attain excellence, to offer our children a sense of security, and to develop a habit or disposition such that practicing virtue becomes more instinctive and requires less effort.

Be consistent – Children learn by repetition, so you must be consistent in your teaching. Keep your energy up and get some support so you can lean on others in other areas of your life for a few days.

- Andrea Olson, The Tiny Potty Training Book (affiliate link)

Talking about consistency is, I think, a lot more familiar for most of us than talking about physicality was last week. We have more of an intuitive sense that it is good to be consistent. But we also know, intuitively, that it’s hard. Consistency requires one of two things:

1. A will of steel, such that you are able to choose, over and over again, something that you won’t always want to do

2. A ritual, routine, or support system that makes the task less daunting, less unpleasant, or more rewarding in some way

In other words, consistency is often about putting in the work upfront that we trust will bear abundant fruit down the line. Our goal is to attain “a level of performance that does not vary greatly over time”. Rather than fluctuating wildly between gentleness and rage, between fervor and dissipation, or between extreme asceticism and rampant self-indulgence as the mood takes us, we’re striving for a level of virtue that is less erratic and ever-growing.

It’s tempting to think that, as long as our “highs” are really, really good, it’s okay for us to also have really low “lows” in the moral life. For example, if most of the time, I don’t touch a drop of alcohol, then it’s probably fine if I get blackout drunk once or twice a year on “special occasions”. But when we apply that same mindset to other situations, it becomes obvious how absurd that line of thinking is: if most of the time I’m super chaste and never look at another person with lust, it’s okay if I cheat on my spouse every now and then. This is where consistency comes in: we want to maintain that lack of variability in our behavior, and then to increase the overall quality of our virtuous actions over time.

Inconsistency, or variability, can be problematic because it’s often an indicator that something else is unstable in our lives.¹ When we are inconstant in our habits or our practice of virtue, we ought to take stock of our priorities and the ways in which we are spending our time so that we can make adjustments and get back on track.

Where inconsistency leaves us feeling scattered and erratic, consistency provides stability and confidence. Behaving in a consistent way across friend groups, work relationships, and family means that we are (striving to be) on our best behavior all the time. Consistent rules, boundaries, reactions, and punishments form the foundation of security on which our children can thrive.² And perhaps most important, consistency allows virtue to deepen and grow: when we’re used to making the virtuous choice in small or everyday moments, it requires less sheer force of will and more muscle memory to choose virtue in larger trials.

I think the simplest answer to the question of “how do we prioritize behaving consistently?” is that we need to set ourselves up for success. Consistency bears a lot of fruit for us and for our children, giving us a sense of stability and security, but it’s easiest to remain consistent when we put in a little bit of effort beforehand. To that end, let’s talk about some specific areas where a little upfront work will facilitate greater consistency over a longer period of time.

With ourselves: Commit to getting up when your alarm goes off, just for one week.³ Think through one task you can complete upfront over the weekend that will increase the ease of acting virtuously during the week.⁴ Carve out time for personal prayer and personal rest, so that you are going into the world with a full tank. Ask for help with tasks that are difficult to complete or difficult to motivate yourself for. Eat a full meal before grocery shopping so you don’t shop hungry and set yourself up for temptation all week with that box of Oreos you didn’t need.

In prayer: Pick a virtue or prayer practice you’d like to habituate; make yourself an accountability chart (or use mine!), hang it in a place you see regularly; and check off the box every day. Vary the choice every week or every month as needed. Make an examen at the end of each day, including a resolution for the following day. Find an accountability partner and check in with one another regarding your consistence in showing up to prayer. Make a small ritual around your prayer time to “consecrate” it and make it a pleasant, restful time, rather than a time of “one more thing” or “more work”.

With children: Set routines, punishments, and expectations in advance, and then stick to your word. Model what it means to do something daily, even when it’s not fun or easy. Get them involved in basic maintenance chores, even when their “help” is not quite helpful. Invite them into your own virtue-building exercises in ways that are appropriate to their age and maturity. Use your own manners and expect them to do the same. Set up their environment such that temptations are out of sight and out of mind, while virtue-building tools are readily available.

With friends: Pencil a recurring phone or coffee date on the calendar. Set up a text to auto-send each day or week with a check-in question. Agree to chore-swap once a week or once a month, where you each do a chore for one another that the other finds distasteful. Attend or start a play group with your friends and their children, and rotate out who brings muffins and coffee.⁵ Choose one way you can hold one another accountable and check in regularly.

With spouses: Pick one night a week to leave all technology turned off, and opt to play a board game, read a book, or share a drink/dessert/snack instead. Choose one relationship struggle or habit that you’d like to improve and touch base once a week to discuss. Pencil a marriage meeting and/or date night on your calendar. Model virtue in your behavior toward one another in small things, so that when larger issues arise, those habits of gentleness, assuming the best, non-defensiveness, and the like are already in place.

Consistency is both an easy and a hard virtue to pin down because it relates to intimately to the practice of other virtues. These examples are just a few that came to mind right away, but I know there are a million more we could discuss. I’d love to hear your additional suggestions too—let’s build one another up and support one another in our common striving for holiness!

Is there an area of your life where consistency has come very naturally? What about an area where you really struggle to be consistent? Do you have an option to build a ritual or routine around the desired habit/behavior to better support a consistent implementation?

1. Inconsistency is not the same thing as spontaneity or flexibility; rather, inconsistency is a form of spiritual or mental instability.

2. We talked a little bit about this in our Book Club discussion of St. Benedict’s Rule of Life.

3. Or even just for one day. The Daily Decalogue of Pope St. John XXIII has always been an inspiration to me.

4. For example, if cutting veggies on Saturday means you’ll cook and/or eat more veggies during the week, that upfront cost is worth it.

5. Our parish/school play group singlehandedly saved my social life and sanity last year. I’m so excited for it to start back up again.