Modeling Virtue instead of Teaching (Demanding?) Virtue
Why "say please" doesn't form a lasting habit.
I like to describe the phase my daughter is in as “monkey see, monkey do”. She’s incredibly observant, and she’s trying to figure out her place in our family and our wider social circle. Most of the time, this means that she’s nursing her stuffies while I feed the baby (once she even used half an Easter Egg as a haakaa!) or imitating the silly sounds and faces we make. Before her sister was born, it meant imitating my pregnant waddle down the hallway, sound effects and all. (I have never felt so called out in my life!)
Generally, it’s absolutely hilarious to watch her see, understand, and imitate the actions of our family and friends. Out of the blue, she’ll tell me about something that happened a day or a week ago, sing a few words of a favorite song (“rain rain rain rain rain rain down down”), or tell me what sound some animal makes. She never fails to surprise me with just how much she’s aware of what’s going on around her, and I love watching how she not only recognizes actions and sounds, but also emotions. It’s the very beginnings of empathy and it’s amazing to see that develop in her.
But it also means that we’re placed face-to-face with our moral and social failings on a near-daily basis. All the things we do (or don’t do) that we’re not so proud of are also seen and imitated. The most obvious, or at least the most common, is simple manners. My husband and I, like most parents, want to teach our children to be polite and courteous to those around them, so we taught our daughter the signs (and later, the words) for “please” and “thank you” and “sorry”. But what we’re noticing at almost-two-years-old is that she’s excellent and consistent about expressing gratitude, and somewhat consistent about apologizing when someone says “ouch”, but she still needs to be prompted to say “please” when she wants something. Every. Single. Time.
But when I think about it, this mirrors my own habit: I am consistent about thanking [my husband, the person in the drive-through lane at Chick-fil-a, our friends] for the ways in which they’ve assisted me, but I have not built up the habit of saying please when I ask for help. This is what our toddler has seen modeled, so it’s what she’s learned and integrated into her own conversations. While I can (and often do) prompt her to say please when she needs something, I can tell that it doesn’t mean anything to her. “Please” has become the answer to the question, “How do you ask politely?”, which is a prerequisite for her getting whatever it is that she wants in that moment. If I truly want her to ask politely for things that she needs or wants, the best (perhaps the only) way to really instill that habit in her is for me to get into the habit myself.
And while, at the end of the day, getting my daughter to say please when she needs something is not necessarily a high priority, her sanctification is. At this stage of her development, before she’s reached the age of reason and gained the ability to discern between right and wrong, my role is to foster habitual virtuous behaviors that will set her up for success as she begins to take ownership of her actions. Which means that I need to be examining my conscience daily to recognize not only my own “private” vices, but also the ways in which I am modeling vice for my children. Likewise, I ought to be thanking the Lord (actively!) for the virtues He has allowed me to develop and for the ways He allows me to model them.
I really like this Examination of Conscience for Parents over at CatholicMom.com because it brings up not only our personal behavior, but also the ways in which our personal behavior might negatively influence or create scandal for our children. Similarly, the Ignatian practice of the Examen can be an excellent habit to cultivate during personal prayer time in the evenings. In its simplest form, the Examen involves invoking the presence of the Holy Spirit as you reflect on your day: things you’re grateful for (“thank you”); sins, vices, or moments of regret (“I’m sorry”); and areas, events, or situations where you’ll need particular grace moving forward (“help me”). I’ve also enjoyed an app (on the App Store for sure; not sure about an Android version) called Reimagining the Examen, which offers a variety of options tailored to specific situations and needs.1 These allow your prayer to be more focused on a particular intention, worry, gratitude, or grace as you review your day with the Lord. If you are wanting to grow in virtue generally, or in a specific virtue, the Examen is an excellent way to “check in” with your progress daily and arm yourself for moments of temptation in the future.
While growing in virtue can sometimes feel like just another thing to add to my already overwhelming mental juggling act, I try to remember two things:
First, all is grace. All is gift. This means that I cannot create virtue within myself. I cannot make myself holy. What I can do is respond to the situations the Lord places in front of me, with as much patience and generosity and charity as I can muster.2 The Lord will give me the grace to be virtuous, and He will give me the opportunity. My part is to work to strengthen the muscle, to root out habits of anger and pride and selfishness and allow them to be replaced with gentleness, humility, and self-gift. The more often we practice virtue, the easier and more habitual it will become. It is possible, and more importantly, it is the Lord’s will for my life that I become virtuous. I need only to respond to the many opportunities available throughout my day.
Second, virtue is so worth it. Virtue, modeled by parents, begets virtue, imitated by children. While it may hurt at first, letting go of anger, pride, selfishness, and other vices ultimately frees us to be more authentically ourselves and less bogged down by resentment, jealousy, or apathy. Virtue allows us to approach the tasks of our daily lives - even the most tedious and mundane ones - without resenting that they need to be done. We begin to understand and then embody the saying of Mother Teresa, “Wash the plate not because it is dirty nor because you are told to wash it, but because you love the person who will use it next.”3 A virtuous home is one that is filled with the fruits of the Holy Spirit: peaceful and joyful, kind and faithful. In other words, it’s pleasant to live in a virtuous home and unpleasant to live in a vicious one!
As a parting thought, our younger daughter was baptized last weekend, and I was struck by this line in the Rite:
The celebrant speaks to the parents in these or similar words:
You have asked to have your child baptized. In doing so you are accepting the responsibility of training her in the practice of the faith. It will be your duty to bring her up to keep God’s commandments as Christ taught us, by loving God and our neighbor. Do you clearly understand what you are undertaking?
Parents: We do.
Raising our children to practice virtue, to recognize it in themselves and in others, and to love and pursue it is an integral part of our duty as parents. While it is an immense responsibility, we do not do it alone and the rewards are great. I don’t want to be daunted or overwhelmed by this thought, but rather encouraged and excited about the little part the Lord has called me to play.
What virtues or vices have you seen your children imitate? Has it been a wake-up call to you, either prompting gratitude for the Lord’s goodness or prompting self-reflection and growth in virtue? How have you intentionally pursued and promoted virtue in your own life and family?
When I counted today, there are 34 different versions to select from, including, “I’m Drained”, “My Daily Habits”, “Identifying Inner Wounds”, and “Ask for Grace”.
If you’re interested in exploring this further, Jean Pierre de Caussade’s Abandonment to Divine Providence is an incredible resource. I wish I could quote the entire book here.
We have this quote printed, as part of a set that I designed, next to our kitchen sink because it’s so easy to forget but so important to remember.
This is fascinating and a well written description of something I have observed.
Quick take: Would “say please, please” make amy difference?
Longer take:
Most of my experience with this comes from observing my friends and family with children, as i don’t yet have my own. Hambone has 4 kids under 8, my sister has 3 under 5. I have been most surprised by how much they remember, how advanced their understanding is, and how quickly they observe and imitate adults.
I think the P’s and Q’s of courtesy are hard because especially in homelife theres an ambience of love and understanding so theres implicit “please” or assumed “thank you” if its ever forgotten. But kids dont get the implicit part and need it spelled out.
I dont think its the end-all-be-all though if youre not consistent in that front, though. My anecdotal observation is that age 3 is where imitation gives way to understanding and they can grasp a lot more and perhaps the P’s and Q’s will fit into some comprehension of courtesy.
Great article about a topic i worry about a lot, so thank you for this!