Be Positive (Cheerful, Joyful)

WEEK 8: Ten Potty-Training Ways of Being

If you’d like to access the introduction/Table of Contents for this series, you can do so here.

Photo by Jordan Cormack on Unsplash

Our eighth virtue from our list of the Ten Potty Training Ways of Being is positivity. I have long wanted—and dreaded—to write a post about positivity or cheerfulness due to a saying from one of James’ coworkers: “We owe each other our cheerfulness.” Which, she’s very wise and holy and I know she’s right but dangit, I hate that she’s right. So let’s take some time today to explore the topic of cheerfulness and why it’s something that we owe to one another. Technically, the quote below talks about being “positive” but we’re going to swing it and talk about cheerfulness as a more broadly applicable version of positivity.

Be positive – Not that it’s going to be a wholly positive experience, but what I mean here is to accentuate the positive. Praise the child for doing a good job (not for being good, but for having done a good job). I used to not advise praise, but I am all for it now. “You did it! I am so proud” is a great form of praise. Not rewards, not stickers, not treats...those externally motivate. I am talking about expressing your approval for when things go right. When things go wrong, clean it up and make a brief statement of the correct action, then move on. You can even say, “No, pee goes in the potty” to show your disapproval of that action. My point here is to focus on the positive so that every little success will build, and will help motivate the both of you.

- Andrea Olson, The Tiny Potty Training Book (affiliate link)

It’s very, very important to me that we clarify from the outset: I am not talking about cheeriness or being chipper or upbeat or in a good mood. We all, goodness knows, have bad days and hard days and tired days and long days. What I’m talking about is more along the lines of refusing to allow yourself to let a bad mood ruin your (or someone else’s) good day. We’re talking about choosing to see things to be grateful for and proud of each day, even when the day is also really really hard.

All that being said, the way in which we’re using positive or cheerful in this context is synonymous to joyful. It’s not a fleeing emotional or hormonal experience, and it’s not a mask of never having a bad day or a negative feeling. It’s an active choice, an act of the will, to focus on what is good and beautiful and blessed in our lives, even in the midst of sorrow and pain and shame and confusion. It’s a choice to feel our feelings and then move on from them, rather than wallowing them and watering them and taking them out on everyone else.

So back to the quote from a dear friend and very holy woman, “We owe each other our cheerfulness.” The snarky part of me wants to reply with, “I don’t owe anybody anything!” With some finger-snaps added for emphasis. But I know this to be false, and I’ve seen firsthand how one person’s bad mood can affect everyone around them. I’ve been both on the bad-mood side of things and on the tiptoeing-around side. Neither is a pleasant place to be. Thus, I’m forced to reckon with the reality that cheerfulness is, at the very least, a good thing that we ought to actively cultivate. And when I consider that I will be held responsible for my family’s sanctification, alongside the ways in which a bad attitude can be contagious, I must admit that, perhaps, our dear friend is correct.

The vices opposite this would be along something along the lines of morbidity, negativity, or self-pity. Wallowing. Having a bad attitude is, to use James’ word, poisonous, and no one benefits from the cultivation of a bad mood. (We’re not talking here about anxiety or depression, where you’re not choosing to wallow in or encourage that negativity.)

Full disclosure, this is the hardest of these ten virtues for me, so please don’t think that I’m sitting on a high horse and speaking as if I don’t insist on stubborn angry silence for the entire drive to Mass on a regular basis. But, I’m trying to pay attention to the things that cause me to feel irritated, resentful, or stew-y, so that I can prevent them as much as possible and let them pass me by when they do inevitably arise. It’s still very much a work in progress.

Cheerfulness is an active choice, an act of the will, to focus on what is good and beautiful and blessed in our lives, even in the midst of sorrow and pain and shame and confusion.

While I may not be thrilled about the idea of owing anyone my cheerfulness, I can acknowledge that it’s important, and I hope you can too. Let’s take a few minutes to think of some little things we can do to practice cheerfulness in our daily lives.

With ourselves: Learn how you best process negative emotions, thoughts, or experiences, and carve out time to do this regularly. Eat enough food. Drink enough water. Move your body daily. Sleep more than you think you need to. Journal. Speak to at least one adult who isn’t your spouse (or child) daily. At the beginning and end of each day, take five minutes to write down a few things you’re grateful for, looking forward to // enjoyed, or planning to accomplish // accomplished that day. Practice noticing the difference between processing and complaining or ranting. Spend time doing things you’re passionate about. Engage in creative pursuits. Rest and pray during your children’s naps or your family’s “Little Silence” instead of doing chores.

In prayer: Offer a short prayer, such as, “Jesus, Son of David, have pity on me” during moments of difficulty throughout your day. Consider moments of marriage, family, or ministry-related overstimulation (read: both children screaming at once because one fell off the couch just as the other needed a nap) as moments where the Lord is inviting you to lean on Him, rather than trying to get through them on your own. Cultivate the habit of bringing every challenge to the Lord in prayer, in the moment as well as during your morning and/or evening prayers.

With children: Thank our children for being helpful, considerate, or generous. Call attention to the times that they practice virtue. Spend five minutes outside with them each day, pointing out the beauty of creation, chatting with neighbors, or letting off steam. Each day, tell your child(ren) one thing that you appreciate about them. Give your children a hug. When you find yourself snapping, speaking sharply, or using a brusque-bordering-on-rude “Hey!” to get their attention, train yourself to follow it up with, “I love you” instead of “Stop that;” then move on to offer the correction in a softer or gentler way.

With friends: Affirm your friends and tell them how the Lord is working in your life through them. Lean on your friends when things are hard, share your burdens with them, and allow them to lighten your load, even if only for a time. Share joys as well as sorrows. Share food as well as conversation. Be intentional about offering help to those in your own social circle or those strangers who cross your path.

With spouses: Write down that thing that’s frustrating you; later, during a marriage meeting or some other time when you’re not feeling emotional, discuss it. Think of a time when you have felt uncomfortable due to his or her bad mood, and try to be compassionate with how he or she might feel due to yours. Each day, tell your spouse one thing you appreciate about him or her. Speak truth over your spouse and let them do the same for you. Spend time reading together, both spiritual or “fun” reading—the more you both laugh out loud, the better. Ask your spouse to hold you accountable when they notice you engaging in self-destructive or mood-spiraling behaviors. (Mine, for example, is watching emotionally-draining TV while James is at work.)

Do we owe each other our cheerfulness? What do you think? What is something that helps you to choose joy, cheerfulness, or positivity in the midst of a difficult day?