Be Short-Winded (Silent, Concise, Moderate)

Week 6: Ten Potty-Training Ways of Being

If you’d like to access the introduction/Table of Contents for this series, you can do so here.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Our sixth virtue from our list of the Ten Potty Training Ways of Being is short-windedness. It always makes me smile to see this item included on the list, because it’s surprisingly consistent with some of the practices recommended by the Desert Fathers and other early monastics. As is so often the case, what the Lord is asking of us for His sake bears unexpected fruit in other areas of our lives.

Be short-winded – When you over-talk, your child may perceive you as fearful and lacking confidence. Sometimes we parents are genuinely trying to “deeply” teach something, but our over-talking prevents our children from (a) being able to listen and (b) being able to integrate it through their own self- talk. Be brief and short-winded with your teaching, using simple instructions and brief feedback where needed. Then move on to the next thing.

- Andrea Olson, The Tiny Potty Training Book (affiliate link)

The example above, of over-explaining to young toddlers and children, is certainly a relevant one: I’m sure we’ve all seen the way a child’s eyes glaze over when we talk too much. However, there are plenty of other times when we “heap up empty phrases” simply for the sake of filling the silence, because we are not certain what we want to say, or in an attempt to quell unpleasant emotions.

Thus, being intentional about being short-winded allows us to focus not only on the actual words we’re speaking, but also on the reason we feel compelled to speak in the first place. Likewise, when we are consuming words, we can reflect on why we’re pulling up that article, that TV show, or that song, and we can cultivate times of intentional silence within our day. Being concise allows each of our words to be received and processed, and prioritizing true silence gives us space to slow down, rest, and allow the Lord to speak to us.

One circumstance in which I often find myself losing control of my words and the volume of them is over-explaining. For me, over-explaining often stems either from defensiveness or from anxiety and a lack of trust. I didn’t believe this until I started being intentional about not rambling when I was feeling anxious, insecure, or defensive… and I immediately realized it was true. And not only was I frequently “over-talking” due to nervousness, but the over-talking even perpetuated the anxious mindset.

It’s important to note that being long-winded is not, of necessity, vicious; however, it opens the temptation to a lot of little vices. Obviously, the more we talk, the more we run the danger of gossip, swearing out of habit, or allowing our emotions to grow out of control. We might also talk out of a sense of pride in our own knowledge, or just because we like the sound of our own voice. Thus, fasting from words can be a very fruitful spiritual practice. Fasting from or moderating our use of words also challenges us to examine our attitudes: are the words we’re saying kind? are they truthful? are they respectful? If not, then how can we use our word-fast to change not on the way we speak, but also the way we think and even the way we see the world?

Let’s talk about some ways to implement this in practice. Obviously, we still have a need to communicate important information, as well as a need to cultivate relationships within and outside our families, so always living in complete silence may not be appropriate, but there are ways we can apply the spirit of short-windedness to our often busy lives.

With ourselves: Limit your media consumption, especially media that doesn’t actively draw you to prayer. Practice pausing before you speak. When you speak or write, consider in advance what you want to say. Practice a formal fast from words (written, spoken, or sung) for a limited time each day or week. Avoid multitasking as much as possible. If you have allowed yourself to get into the habit of cursing or taking the Lord’s name in vain, replace those words with others in your daily usage.

In prayer: Trust that the Lord wants your good, bring your petitions before Him, and then let go of them.¹ Sit in silence before the Blessed Sacrament at least once a week. Pray throughout your day by offering a short aspiration in each moment of stress or joy, rather than long explanatory monologues.² Include a moment of silent prayer in your family prayer time (light a candle if needed to help children focus).

With children: Avoid overexplaining to young toddlers. Encourage your children to speak well of their friends, but not to perpetuate gossip. Consider limiting TV usage to family movie nights, rather than extended use each evening, at least during one of the penitential seasons (Advent and Lent). Drive to or from Mass without the radio playing.

With friends: Don’t rely only on FaceTime calls, phone calls, or text messages; instead, schedule an in-person get together to catch up. Avoid gossiping about spouses or mutual friends. In group settings, when necessary, “moderate” the conversation so that it is not dominated by any one individual, and ensure that everyone who wants to participate is able to do so.

With spouses: Pay attention to times when you feel defensive or insecure. Spend time doing side-by-side activities such as reading or writing alone in the same room. Minimize sarcasm, even friendly sarcasm. Refuse to allow negative thoughts about your spouse to turn into festering wounds. Designate time in your evening to give one another your undivided attention to communicate necessary information, and write things down if needed.

Do you see a benefit in reducing the number of words you speak, hear, read, or write? Have you ever had a time when over-talking (either to yourself or to someone else) led negative consequences that could have been avoided? If you’ve practiced any kind of fasting from words, what graces did you see from that fast?

1

And when you pray, do not heap up empty phrases as the Gentiles do, for they think that they will be heard for their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.

- Matthew 6:7 ESV

2. Aspirations are short prayers (one-line, usually) that can be repeated in one’s mind or under one’s breath. Here is a lovely, albeit non-exhaustive, list of examples.