The Scoot family is horrible at all of this. My parents would not recover in front of us, my mom is a chronic peacemaker and would accept an uneasy peace over actual resolution, and my dad has problems with authority and doesnt like being told what to do so he was most often the emotional bull in the china shop and my mom, with tact and grace, would smooth things over and we would never talk about it again.
As a consequence my siblings and I all have variations on issues with this. Until recently I have been a chronic peacemaker. One of my sisters holds deep and near permanent grudges. But my siblings and I have also learned healthy ways to handle things, and my sister in particular is doing a fantastic job giving a healthy example to her kids. It requires intentionality but it is possible.
I say “until recently” I was a chronic peacekeeper because I have had a case study in what people can do if conflict is allowed to be unhealthy. One of the life lessons taken away from this is “never apologize for something you didn’t do”. I think learning how to apologize well is as important as knowing when it is appropriate to apologize *at all*. I have been leaning into standing my ground on things because it is both new for me and because I choose my battles very carefully--I don’t dig in unless I know my ground is unimpeachable. Just this weekend I had a big conflict with my dad and I am exhausted because now we’re just never going to talk about it again. Peace through silence.
Sorry if this is TMI. Been thinking about this and you just happened to tap into thoughts at the forefront. Saving this article for future reference. Eventually I will go to therapy instead of leaving comments everywhere 😂
I had another thought about this - I’ve recently been trying to say “thank you” instead of “sorry” in a lot of situations: “thank you for being patient with me” instead of “sorry I was late”. On the topic of not apologizing unless you really mean it!
Exactly! And over time it really does start to shift the way you talk to yourself as well - when you’re not saying “sorry I suck” every five minutes, but instead highlighting the things you love and appreciate about the people around you, shockingly, you stop thinking that you suck and start noticing what lovely people you know 😂
“Eventually I’ll go to therapy” is so relatable HA
BUT, in all seriousness, yes - it’s amazing how the conflict style of our family of origin shapes us so deeply. I think you’re spot-on that knowing when to apologize can be crucial. The flip side of tht coin, of course, being that we need to learn how to take ownership of our feelings and experiences and reactions - another hard lesson for me to learn!
So sorry to hear this is still ongoing - I’m similarly working through some unhealthy patterns from my FOO and it can be so challenging to manage interactions when you’ve grown out of some of those dysfunctional behaviors but not all family members have. Praying for you and your family!
“Peace through silence is difficult.” Scoot worded it very well. This is a topic that I’ve given a lot of thought myself, and what stood out to me most in this article was the example of Mrs. Dietz’s parents apologizing to their children.
In my own musings about this, I think that resolving the conflict in front of the children is also important. If the children see the beginning of a conflict but never the resolution, they won’t have closure or healing (because witnessing conflict without resolution really does affect oneself). If conflicts must occur in front of or involving the children, I strongly believe that they should also witness or be involved in the resolution, both for their own edification and also for the emotional benefits from that.
Apologizing to our toddler is SO HUMBLING but so valuable to repairing our relationship. I recognize daily that I don’t do well by her and I want her to know that it’s a flaw in me not one in her or her fault.
And yes - we so rarely think about the emotional impact of conflict on bystanders!
Ugh. Why is this so timely.
The Scoot family is horrible at all of this. My parents would not recover in front of us, my mom is a chronic peacemaker and would accept an uneasy peace over actual resolution, and my dad has problems with authority and doesnt like being told what to do so he was most often the emotional bull in the china shop and my mom, with tact and grace, would smooth things over and we would never talk about it again.
As a consequence my siblings and I all have variations on issues with this. Until recently I have been a chronic peacemaker. One of my sisters holds deep and near permanent grudges. But my siblings and I have also learned healthy ways to handle things, and my sister in particular is doing a fantastic job giving a healthy example to her kids. It requires intentionality but it is possible.
I say “until recently” I was a chronic peacekeeper because I have had a case study in what people can do if conflict is allowed to be unhealthy. One of the life lessons taken away from this is “never apologize for something you didn’t do”. I think learning how to apologize well is as important as knowing when it is appropriate to apologize *at all*. I have been leaning into standing my ground on things because it is both new for me and because I choose my battles very carefully--I don’t dig in unless I know my ground is unimpeachable. Just this weekend I had a big conflict with my dad and I am exhausted because now we’re just never going to talk about it again. Peace through silence.
Sorry if this is TMI. Been thinking about this and you just happened to tap into thoughts at the forefront. Saving this article for future reference. Eventually I will go to therapy instead of leaving comments everywhere 😂
Thank you for this!
I had another thought about this - I’ve recently been trying to say “thank you” instead of “sorry” in a lot of situations: “thank you for being patient with me” instead of “sorry I was late”. On the topic of not apologizing unless you really mean it!
I LOVE that. What a shift in perspective! Most people are understanding of lifes minor inconveniences. why not express gratitude instead of shame?
Exactly! And over time it really does start to shift the way you talk to yourself as well - when you’re not saying “sorry I suck” every five minutes, but instead highlighting the things you love and appreciate about the people around you, shockingly, you stop thinking that you suck and start noticing what lovely people you know 😂
HOW DO I RESTACK THIS
😂😂
@mills help
“Eventually I’ll go to therapy” is so relatable HA
BUT, in all seriousness, yes - it’s amazing how the conflict style of our family of origin shapes us so deeply. I think you’re spot-on that knowing when to apologize can be crucial. The flip side of tht coin, of course, being that we need to learn how to take ownership of our feelings and experiences and reactions - another hard lesson for me to learn!
So sorry to hear this is still ongoing - I’m similarly working through some unhealthy patterns from my FOO and it can be so challenging to manage interactions when you’ve grown out of some of those dysfunctional behaviors but not all family members have. Praying for you and your family!
“Peace through silence is difficult.” Scoot worded it very well. This is a topic that I’ve given a lot of thought myself, and what stood out to me most in this article was the example of Mrs. Dietz’s parents apologizing to their children.
In my own musings about this, I think that resolving the conflict in front of the children is also important. If the children see the beginning of a conflict but never the resolution, they won’t have closure or healing (because witnessing conflict without resolution really does affect oneself). If conflicts must occur in front of or involving the children, I strongly believe that they should also witness or be involved in the resolution, both for their own edification and also for the emotional benefits from that.
Apologizing to our toddler is SO HUMBLING but so valuable to repairing our relationship. I recognize daily that I don’t do well by her and I want her to know that it’s a flaw in me not one in her or her fault.
And yes - we so rarely think about the emotional impact of conflict on bystanders!
Agreed, and very well said!