Even the Sparrow

We can only teach our children reverence if we actually bring them to church

Photo by Sergio Otoya on Unsplash

Even the sparrow finds a home,
     and the swallow a nest for herself,
     where she may lay her young,
at your altars, O LORD of hosts,
     my King and my God.
Blessed are those who dwell in your house,
     ever singing your praise!             Selah

I recently re-remembered this line from Psalm 84, and it has been such a source of joy to me over these last few weeks. I love that the Temple is not only the Lord’s home (of course it is), but is also the home of the mother and the children she brings forth there. While we might not (hopefully do not!) give physical birth within the walls of our parish churches, we know that these churches are places of spiritual birth and renewal. In Baptism, our children are reborn with Christ, and throughout their lives, their souls are nourished by the Sacraments.

Our family is blessed to share in the life of two incredible parishes here in town. The first is just down the street - it is such a gift to live in walking distance of a parish with Perpetual Adoration, and when it isn’t scorching hot outside, we take frequent walks to “Jesus’ house”. Many of our neighborhood friends attend this parish, and we frequently go to Saturday morning Mass here. The second parish is our true “home parish” - we got married there, have had both of our children baptized there, and my husband teaches at the (classical!) parochial school there. It’s a little bit of a drive, but we absolutely adore both the culture/community and the liturgy. I like to joke that there are two choirs - the volunteer choir next to the sanctuary, and then the “angel chorus” of toddlers and babies chattering, singing, or screaming periodically throughout the Mass. So as you can imagine, we feel right at home.

It’s not just a coincidence that there are lots of families and lots of children. It’s a very intentional element of our parish culture. I want to share with you a letter that our pastor published in our bulletin last year about children at church:

Dear Brothers and Sisters in Christ,

We are very blessed at this parish to have many young families who regularly attend Mass with their children. Sometimes these children can be a little unruly, so I would like to clearly state the parish’s policy on children at Mass. It comes from the Gospel of St. Matthew 19:14: “Let the children come to me, and do not prevent them; for the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these.” Everyone is welcome to attend Mass here and we are greatly blessed by the presence of so many young families and their children. Those children are the next generation of Catholics, and the church belongs especially to them.

It is true that the parish has a cry room where children can be taken when they are unruly, and a narthex with glass doors that do a good job dampening the noise, but a parent should never be made to feel unwelcome because they did not bring their child out or they didn’t bring them out “soon enough”.

I received an email last week from a young dad who had come to the parish with his wife and child for the first time. After the Mass, a man approached him and told him that he should have taken his child to the cry room. This comment really left a bad impression of our parish, especially when the dad had taken his child to the back when he started making noise. Parents with young children, even those new to the parish, are well aware of their children and the noise that they can make and where the cry room is located, it does not need to be pointed out to them unless they ask.

The Catechism says that “parents receive the responsibility and privilege of evangelizing their children. Parents should initiate their children at an early age into the mysteries of the faith” and that they “should associate them from their tenderest years with the life of the Church” (CCC 2225, emphasis added). It continues stating “Education in the faith by the parents should begin in the child's earliest years…. The parish is the Eucharistic community and the heart of the liturgical life of Christian families; it is a privileged place for the catechesis of children and parents” (CCC 2226).

If you think a child is being too loud and the parent isn’t doing anything, then you can empathize with the translators of the Douay-Rheims Bible who render the same passage from the Gospel of St. Matthew as “Suffer the little children and forbid them not to come to me.” Raising children and educating them in the faith is hard work, we owe parents our thanks and our support in this difficult task.

May God bless you,
Fr. David

Fr. David, without question, reveals the heart of Christ to me more than any other priest I’ve known. Around the same time he published this letter, he approached me after Mass to let me know that he’d so enjoyed seeing our toddler waltz out of our pew and seat herself in the middle of the center aisle, because he was glad she’d found a seat where she could observe what was happening on the altar. I almost broke into tears on the spot. I had been so worried that she was distracting or too noisy or too busy… but here was our pastor saying that, yes, he’d seen her, and it brought him joy to know that she was participating in the sacrifice of the Mass in her own two-year-old way.

But I’m not writing just to rave about our parish culture. I’m writing because I think that we as parents need to cultivate this perspective in ourselves, regardless of the attitude of the priests or other parishioners we encounter. We need to intentionally choose to let our children experience the Mass. I know that I’ve felt tremendous pressure to keep my kids quiet at church, afraid that we’re going to “ruin” someone else’s experience if they’re too loud. And certainly, there are times when the best and most charitable option is to bring a child to the narthex or outside, both for the sake of the congregation and for the sake of the child. But as we approach our elder daughter’s second birthday, I’m finding that I think these situations are less frequent than I originally would have assumed. I am much more willing to sit with a moment or two of fussing that I expected I would be.

Not that anyone asked for it, but here’s my opinion: If we are trying to teach our children (1) how to behave in church and (2) how to pray the Mass, then we have to bring them to the church, and we have to bring them to Mass. And we have to accept that there will be a learning curve… that, while their age and stage of development might seem like an impediment to prayer, it is in fact an invitation from the Lord. He is calling them (and us!) into a deeper relationship with Himself. As children learn to navigate their inevitable bumps and bruises, as well as the disappointments that come with (selecting an example at random) not being able to use the provided pens to draw all over all the collection envelopes, there will be times when we need to step outside to allow them to regulate, and there will be times when we can invite them to bring that feeling to the Lord from the pew. There will be mistakes made - and there will be moments of profound joy and pride - as they learn when to stand, sit, or kneel; when to make the sign of the cross or bow; and when to sing Alleluia¹. But they will not learn if they are not given a chance to learn.

This is equally true if we are members of a congregation where children are learning how to behave in church and pray the Mass. We can be patient in allowing them to discover the boundaries of what is and isn’t appropriate. We can acknowledge that they might not have the attention span to sit still for an entire service. We can choose to smile at, ignore, or offer up our frustrations at their little commentary about what’s going on around them. In other words, we can do our best to extend charity and patience to these children (and to their parents), even when our experience of the Mass would almost certainly be quieter and more focused if they were not present.

And regardless of which category/categories we fall into, we have to model reverence and piety and prayer for the children around us. Certainly, it is the parents’ duty to be the primary educators in the faith, but as a parish community, we too have a certain responsibility to these children. We ought to be intentional in our actions - making the sign of the cross, genuflecting, receiving Communion - and in our private and communal prayer. Children learn their own role in their society by observing others around them. Toddlers are little copycats, imitating everything they see. If we are prayerful and reverent, they will be prayerful and reverent. If we are acting bored, distracted, or irritated, they will model that behavior as well. In other words, we must first pay attention to our own sense of reverence, our own attitude, our own degree of focus and self-offering:

Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye?

- Matthew 7:4-5, ESV

Here are a few things we’ve found to be helpful in the first two years of parenting:

During Mass

• Sit towards the front of the church so that children can see what is going on during the Mass. The more they can observe the actions of the liturgy, the less they will be distracted by (and their behavior modeled off of) the adults and children around them.

• Before and after Mass, encourage your child to speak with Jesus, even simply - telling Him about their day, saying “thank you” or “I love you”, or bringing your family and friends to the Lord.

• Limit snacks, toys, and books to items that will lift the child’s mind to God, rather than distractions or bribes to keep the child quiet.

• As far as is appropriate based on the parish culture and Mass attendance, don’t be afraid to let your child walk up and down the pew or move around a little bit. Their physical need to move is age-appropriate, and allowing them to “get it out” can aid in focusing more intently during the most important moments of the Mass.

• Whisper to/with your child a devotional aspiration at the moment of Consecration. Ours is, “My Lord and my God - I love you, Jesus!” along with blowing a kiss towards the altar.

• If possible, quietly point out to them 1-2 items of interest during the service to draw their attention to the sanctuary and habituate them to noticing the many sacramental details that point to spiritual realities.

• Utilize the cry room or narthex as a space to regulate, but not a permanent seating option. If you have already visited the cry room more than once, or if you know your child is in a sensitive mood, by all means consider sitting in the cry room, narthex, or back pews, but do not treat is as a habit or a foregone conclusion.

Outside of Mass

• Visit the Church and allow your child to explore in an appropriate manner - you want them to feel comfortable and “at home” there.

• Point out the tabernacle, the crucifix, the candles, the baptismal font, etc. Look at and talk about the statues or windows together.

• Light a candle if you are able to do so. Allow them to hold a missalette or worship aid. Show them how to dip their hand into the holy water font and make the sign of the cross. Engage their senses.

• Model genuflecting before entering a pew, and ask your child to do so if they are able.

Modeling Personal and Family Prayer

• Speak of Jesus fondly at home. Point out crucifixes and images to your children, and discuss who is being depicted.

• Note when you’re driving past a church and say “hello” to Jesus in the Eucharist out loud.

• Teach your children rote prayers, but also pray aloud with them to model prayers of adoration, thanksgiving, petition, and contrition.

• Channel your children’s natural physicality by allowing them to hold a rosary, light a candle, or walk around during family prayer times.

Please don’t think that these are in any way intended to be the end-all-be-all of Mass attendance with children. They are merely ways in which we have chosen to cultivate the virtues of reverence, piety, and religion as our daughters grow, and are born out of our family and parish situation.

All this to say, our children will only learn to treat the House of God as their spiritual home if they spend time in the church. They will only learn how to behave reverently in Mass if they attend Mass. Like the mother sparrow in Psalm 84, we find a home for ourselves and for our children in the Lord’s house. We have the beautiful ability - and responsibility - to set the example of virtue and prayer for the children in our families and our parishes… do we take that gift seriously?

If you have young children, how have you approached prayer and Mass attendance with them? If your children are older, how have you transitioned them into a more mature participation in the liturgy?

1. If you are our two-year-old, the appropriate time to sing Alleluia is any time anyone is singing anything. Everything is allulah. She refers to the paper worship aids as “allulah paper". Her bedtime song is the Regina Caeli. The kid loves the word alleluia.