26 Comments

Loved reading this so much🙌🏼 “I am deeply convicted that modeling is a more effective formation than lecturing. And yet, I cannot shake the habit of ‘performing’ our family prayer time rather than simply praying.” What you’re expressing here is very relatable. I totally know intellectually that modeling is how kids will best learn something from me, but I find myself telling and talking more than I like. I think it’s just because modeling is harder! It’s easy to, well, take the easier way! Oof if having children isn’t the best personal growth hack there is🙃😂

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“Oof if having children isn’t the best personal growth hack there is” A-FREAKING-MEN

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Sara, you ask important questions. I was raised Catholic and love the tradition, the sacraments, the liturgy. And I also see how I had tried to follow a sort of “checklist” religiously with my children in an attempt to feel that I was “covering” everything. It was not until I became a trained catechist in Level One of Catechesis of the Good Shepherd (a Catholic Montessori-based religious formation for children 3 to 6 years old) that I realized that checklists don’t really work for our souls or for children. And then it still took me like 20 more years to figure out that God really doesn’t need me to make announcements to God. God already knows my heart, because he dwells there in Jesus. That’s when I started living from a more intimate contemplative place.

Believe it or not, children can learn this too. I love that you all sit down together as a family even just for a few minutes in the evening. It’s beautiful to light a candle and maybe let one of the children snuff it out at the end of your prayer time with a beautiful candle snuffer--with guidance at first.

We also had a small wooden cross that we could pass to each other. When a person is holding the cross, they can decide if they want to pray silently in their heart or out loud with words--either way doesn’t matter. Everyone takes a short turn. Then they pass the cross to the next person, and this is a beautiful way to keep a moment of silence with even very small children.

I would encourage you to stay gentle as you are inviting your children to pray. You bring them something so lovely by just being who you are Sara. Beloved. A woman who Jesus is always praying in-- even if she is busy making a home. Mary and Martha are both important. People get hungry-- They say “What’s for supper?” We need Martha to feed us. Cooking can also be a prayer as is the monastic tradition of Brother Lawrence.

Sorry that was so long. I could go on and on… Peace to you, Sara

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Ann! This is beautiful! Thank you so much for sharing—these are really helpful ideas and reflections, and I’ll definitely be sitting with them this week as i ponder some changes I’m feeling called to make in our routine.

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Ann, I can't get your comment about checklists and COGS out of my head. May I shoot you an email to talk about a potential guest post or interview? Is that something you'd be open to doing?

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Sure, Sara. That sounds good.

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I’m 51 and still figuring it out as I go. As the seasons of life change we must be open to grow and adapt along the way especially when we have children in our lives. I have adult children living at home and it has opened my eyes to things I wish I would have realized or approached differently. I keep adapting and growing in my faith and I see my children adapting their own prayer life with a touch of moms steadfast teachings and lessons stuck in here & there. 😉

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I love this perspective! It's so easy to think that our work is done when our kids turn 18... but we all know in our hearts that's not the case! I'd love to hear any retrospective wisdom you care to share :)

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This is so astute, Sara, and something of which we need to regularly remind ourselves. There is so much temptation to performance rather than conversion of heart that is bassed on trust, trust that if we do not perform perfectly (as we surely will not), God will still honor and love our hearts.

Wonderful post.

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Thanks Dixie! It’s such a balance—grateful for fellow-travelers to walk with on this journey!

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I read somewhere about a "House of prayer"--and while I am individual I think it's something that I would want to bring to my future family.

The idea behind a House of Prayer is to pick times of day that are pillars for prayer. The difference between this and the divine office is in choosing times and prayers that work for you, to help keep a rhythm.

My house of prayer looks like this:

- Morning, Our Father + an "Immaculate heart of Mary" for a slew of intentions

- Noon, St. Michael

-3pm, 3 Hail Mary's

-7pm, "Glory Be" and what I call the "Fatima Offering" because I don't know it's official name. "O Lord, it is for love of you, for the conversion of sinners" etc.

-Bedtime is "Angel of God".

I set reminders on my phone and try to pray as soon as I hear them--stop what I'm doing and pray. It reminds me that the prayer is more important than anything I'm doing, and it helps give my day some rhythm and structure when it may not have that in a vacuum. I learned this "House of prayer" idea some months ago and there have been times I could do *nothing* but I could still do that.

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Yes! I think it was Holly Pierlot’s book that talked about attaching prayers to mealtimes or naptimes when you’re with kids a lot, because those are anchor points in your day already, but it’s so hard to remember and make those behavioral shifts! Setting a phone alarm is a helpful idea!

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Thank you for putting words to some of my struggles with our nightly family prayer time! Our kids LITERALLY start doing WWE maneuvers the moment we start trying to pray, and some of the ideas in the comments for how to keep prayer time quiet and holy for both kids and parents are definitely things we’ll have to incorporate into our evenings.

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It's like they know... Our 2yo asks all day to light a candle, but the moment we actually light one for prayer time, she's bouncing off the walls in full meltdown mode because she wants to sit in someone else's lap or read a different book or wear a different set of pajamas... being a toddler is tough!

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This was an awesome heart check and also - solidarity! We have 3 boys ages 3.5, 2, and 10 months. Recently I’ve been putting the baby to bed before our family prayer time (I say prayers with him individually), so then it’s a little less chaotic with the 2 toddlers. (Hubby is deployed right now so I’m solo 😅) We call my in-laws and pray with them via FaceTime every night which has become such a lovely routine. We have an icon prayer corner in Byzantine Catholic style, and we always light a couple candles, and the toddlers get to ring blessed bells to call us to prayer. We also sing/chant most of our prayers, which I think is a great way to get prayers living in the hearts of our children. At the end, they blow out the candles and then I bless them with holy water and exorcised salt, and when I remember we kiss the cross or an icon. Some nights it’s so smooth and both toddlers are standing at our prayer corner and singing....and other times it’s absolute chaos. 😅😅

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Oh, man, Malori, I can't imagine! What a special time to get to FaceTime grandma and grandpa, though, for prayers at the end of the day. I love all these ideas--like you say, some nights all the smells and bells really "work" and draw them (and us!) into the experience, and others... well, other nights we put them to bed and then our prayer time is "Lord, give me patience with these sweet precious frustrating little gremlins tomorrow" haha

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We (being the husband and myself) currently read the readings for the day before bed, but I have hopes and schemes to incorporate them into family dinner time, maybe we read the readings before the collective break from the table and then discuss. I feeeeeeeel like this would be a good way to center both the scripture for the day and also encourage the importance for the family to come together for dinner (whether or not everyone is eating the same meal), but it’s very untested at this point. I’d like to add more, but I’m waiting for us to be on the same schedule (instead of my having the morning to myself and him the night)

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Mmmm yep, I love that. Also because while it’s just the two of y’all, you get that intentional and intellectual time to connect, and then whenever kiddos come along, they see that kind of relationship and thoughtfulness modeled for them. Great thoughts!

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I am a person not a performance. That, beautiful friend, is worthy of a book. I will be thinking about that for a long time.

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Glad to hear that it resonates, Trisha! It’s definitely something I’m sitting with often in this season.

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“I am, truly, a picture of contentment… and yet I am still so often dissatisfied.“ — this really hit me hard! I have a hard time modeling rest, until my body gives out from pushing too much and I’m literally forced to lay down due to a migraine — very much learning to take time to rest so I don’t end up in that state. I also believe that modeling is a better form of teaching our little ones, but it’s one of those things that also needs improvement!

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Relatable 😭 have you read Holly Pierlot’s A Mother’s Rule of Life? She has some great tips for ordering your priorities to make sure everyone’s needs are getting met. It feels overwhelming with littles, but I’m hoping to implement some of her ideas slowly over time!

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Such a powerful encouragement. Well written with lots of real world examples. I’m a dad of 4 kids ages 1y-7y so I vibed so much with this. Sharing this with my wife - thank you for sharing this Sara!

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Thank you! Y’all are in the trenches with us, for sure! Glad you found it helpful. Pray for us!

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Wow Sara! I really loved this, thank you for writing and sharing it. Working on our family prayer routine is also somewhere on my list. Right now ours looks kind of like yours except only the part where we say memorized prayers. I'm replicating what I grew up doing because it's better than nothing, but I would like to personalize it much more. I love what you all do with asking for prayers from the patron saints and sharing intercessions.

I agree that sharing gratitude can be rote and almost meaningless. I've been really convicted recently by the idea that we need to give thanks for everything and rejoice *always* (Philippians 4). That means giving thanks to God not just for what we like but what we don't like as well. I don't even have a formal gratitude practice of my own let alone with my family but I've been trying to let this idea take root in my soul, so that when "unpleasant" things arise (like for example getting stomach flu yesterday) I can accept it and rejoice and give thanks faithfully to the glory of God, and find the silver linings if there are any.

Back to this post, I really love the reminder that modeling is more powerful than any other form of teaching. I'm so intrigued by learning about the saints who raised saints... a while ago I started the book "Marriage as a Path to Holiness" by David and Mary Ford but put it down, then a week or two ago the authors did a retreat at my church and I was reminded that I want to finish the book. It's a collection of saints' lives who were married, so they would have included probably most if not all the (Orthodox) saints who raised other saints. If you have any other resources on the lives of these saints I'd love to know!

Thanks again for this lovely post!

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I loved this reflection. So much of what you said I see mirrored in my own life.

We recently started praying a decade of the rosary together every night because the kids always fell asleep during a whole rosary 🫠

Our family prayer has changed a lot, I'm assuming it'll continue to ebb and flow as the kids grow. Some days it feels like we are flourishing in prayer and some days I'm like: WHY IS EVERYONE PEEING IN THE BACKYARD?!

So...to answer your last question...I definitely don't have life figured out.

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