How Elimination Communication shaped me as a mother

The unexpected fruits of infant toilet learning

I hope you’re not tired of talking about potty learning yet! I thought I’d throw in a little throwback this week, recognizing that I will fully cement my status as That Potty Lady. I wrote this post back in November or early December of 2022, in one of my several ill-fated attempts at starting a blog It was born out of an hour or two of reflection as I cradled my daughter back to sleep, and as I reread it now, I realize how many of these gifts I want to rediscover as we find our groove as a family of four. We are currently in between intense EC seasons—our two-year-old is pretty much fully potty-trained and our six-month-old has done fine so far with “easy catches”—and, as with so many things in life, some of these skills and habits have faded through lack of consistent practice. I’m feeling encouraged to reflect more deeply on the ways in which the Lord is moving in my heart without my conscious awareness, to up my game, so to speak, when it comes to growing in virtue in my daily life, and to cultivate that spiritual sight that allows me to recognize and lean into the opportunities for growth in holiness that I so often miss.

Photo by Douglas Lopez on Unsplash

The weekend of Thanksgiving, my fifteen-month-old had her first overnight poop in close to a year. No doubt the result of too much travel, an inconsistent diet, a disrupted routine, and the two medications she was on (for teething and allergies), it was explainable but certainly still a shock. But as I cleaned her up and helped her fall back asleep, I couldn’t help reflecting on the ways in which my own motherhood has been shaped by our practice of elimination communication, or infant potty learning.

Perhaps the most obvious way EC has shaped me is in the way it’s allowed me to get to know our daughter. It sounds dramatic to say this, but EC made the concepts of solidarity and human dignity real to me in a unique, experiential way. Practicing infant potty learning has changed the way I see infants, including my daughter, and has given me a newfound respect for what their tiny bodies are capable of. While I try not to let EC take over our life, it’s something that’s never far from the back of my mind, especially as we prepare to ditch diapers in a few weeks. But I’ve noticed a twofold benefit from this attention and awareness that I didn’t expect when we started EC at eight weeks old.

First, since I’m still sitting with her for most of her eliminating, I’m able to keep real-time notes of things that change in her body. Is she peeing more frequently than normal? Straining when she poops? These observations allow me to consider variables in our life that may be affecting her—whether that’s nutrition, other health concerns, or stress from an out-of-the-ordinary day or week. I can then make decisions in the moment that will give her time and space to re-regulate in whatever way she needs. Perhaps I need to give her more fruit or more fiber. Perhaps we need to visit the park and run around or take a calm afternoon at home. Or, maybe it’s just a growth spurt, a developmental phase, or a request for greater privacy and independence in her pottying habits. Using her elimination as a litmus test for her overall health, I am able to best tend to her needs as they arise, even when the signs are subtle.

Second, in observing her regarding her elimination needs, I’ve also been called to be more present with her overall. I have always had an addictive relationship with my phone (and with technology more broadly), but these last few weeks especially, as we’ve begun to increase our use of underwear and decrease our reliance on diapers, have required a unique and focused attention from me to ensure that as many pees as possible go in the potty, and any misses are cleaned up promptly. As a side effect, I’ve learned to become more detached from my phone, from my own plans for the day, and from my ideas of how a toddler ought to behave, for better or for worse. I’ve been able to create special time with her throughout our days – whether it’s my day in the office, a day at home, or a weekend with Dad – to ensure that she knows I am here for her and that I love her. I’ve learned to recognize when she needs affection, assistance, or attention immediately and when I can complete a task before attending to her. These moments of connection are a cherished part of the season of life we’re currently in. All this to say, practicing elimination communication with our daughter has really helped me to see and respect her as a human being—a unique person with a body and a soul and needs related to both.

Elimination communication has also become an opportunity for me to grow in virtue, both as a mother and as an individual.¹ The two virtues that come to mind immediately are patience and persistence, although these are not the only fruits I have seen from our practice. While motherhood in general is often accompanied by overstimulation and overwhelm, personally, I’ve found that nothing can tank an evening like yet another pee puddle on the floor. However, since a neutral response to misses is an important part of elimination communication, pee puddles are a chance for me to step back, take a deep breath, and practice patience in how I speak with my daughter and how I go about cleaning. (Or, on those really hard days, a chance for me to recognize my limits and ask for help from my husband, a friend, or a disposable diaper.) In a broader sense, this has created in me a habit of taking a gentle response to my daughter’s emotions. It has taught me the importance of regulating my body and my mind, and I’m trying to pass that skill set along to her by example.

Beyond just patience with pee puddles and big toddler feelings, practicing elimination communication has also allowed me to cultivate the virtue of persistence (or perseverance). While there are plenty of days where I choose to throw in the towel, throw on the diaper, and not worry about catching pee for a few hours, there are also days where I choose to clean up the floor, slip another pair of (adorable) undies onto my daughter, and try again for the next pee. Since elimination is a constant reality of human existence, there will always be another chance, and that fact is oddly reassuring. Beyond just EC, however, I’m learning that there will always be another chance to speak kindly, to fold the laundry the same day I dry it, or to read a book in the evening instead of watching a show. Elimination communication allows me to stretch my persistence muscle and strengthen my will so that when the time comes to persevere in other areas of my life, I am able to get back on my feet and carry on instead of collapsing from exhaustion, shame, or apathy.

Finally, elimination communication has shaped me into a mother who has no time for perfectionism, who is content with giving it the best I have, and who is confident in the choices my husband and I are making for our family. I struggled with intense perfectionism from a young age and into the early years of our marriage. But with elimination communication, everything in information and nothing is failure. This attitude has been transformative for me – instead of seeing a miss as a sign that I don’t measure up, I can clean up my daughter (and my floor, if needed) and move on with my day, trusting that there will be plenty of opportunities to try again later. And I’m learning that the same applies to other areas of my life – so I didn’t make dinner tonight and we had to smorgasbord… It happens, and we can try again tomorrow. Furthermore, practicing elimination communication has taught me the art of reflecting without condemning—perhaps I ignored my intuition when I shouldn’t have, perhaps I lost track of time and didn’t offer the potty when I ought to have, or perhaps that little bit of gas was a signal after all. None of these things reflect poorly on me as a mother or on my daughter (who probably had other priorities in the moment, like exploring or playing or learning). I can recognize it for what it is—a simple miscommunication, with no one “at fault”—and maintain my peace of mind. This skill, likewise, has changed the way I see myself, especially as a wife, mother, and homemaker. I am able to reflect, to strategize, and (God willing) to improve, without getting bogged down by a negative self-talk.

In addition, practicing elimination communication has increased my confidence as a mother, and as a person. It always feels… odd… to say that I’ll be right back after I take my one-year-old to the toilet. But let me tell you what, I have never felt cooler than when I’m able to share that I could probably count on one hand the number of poopy diapers I’ve changed in the last two months. And I’ve found that people are (for the most part) surprisingly open-minded about elimination communication, especially when they see it in action. My sweet mother regularly tells me that she thought I was crazy when we first introduced the idea to her, but now she’s just as excited about it as I am, and she texts me every time my daughter tells her she needs to use the toilet. But even when people still think we’re crazy, I can confidently rest in the knowledge that what we’re doing works for our family and has brought a ton of benefits for us. This experience of confidence and detachment from the opinion of others has been incredibly freeing, and has allowed me to have similar confidence in other decisions we make regarding our parenting and family choices, even when they are not the choices that someone else would have made.

Obviously, as a first-time mother who has practiced elimination communication since my daughter was very young, I can’t speak to how much of this would have happened had we not chosen EC. But I do know that EC has deeply shaped the way that I exist as a mother and the way I relate to my daughter, and those traits have expanded into other areas of my life and other relationships. And for that, I am profoundly grateful.

What seemingly small choices have had the most unexpected or strongest impact on your development as a person, a spouse, or a parent? Where have you seen growth in virtue as an accidental byproduct of a circumstance in your life? How can we train ourselves to look at our lives with an eye for these little moments of unmerited grace?

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I would be remiss if I failed to mention that I do offer online classes and 1:1 coaching for elimination communication and non-coercive potty training. If you’re interested in learning more, I’d love to connect with you here.

1. This, of course, is the foundational truth behind the series we’re doing on the Ten Potty Training Ways of Being. If you’re new here, or you haven’t had a chance to read the first half of the series, you can start here.