Hydrate or Die-drate

Interdependence and compounding dysregulation

Photo by Joanna Kosinska on Unsplash

Got a little story for you, Ags.

We spent a delightful few days this week in the Bryan/College Station area, where a piece of my heart will always be. It was a trip full of joy and nostalgia, getting to catch up with old friends, revisit well-loved and well-worn places, and celebrate as one of dearest friends got married.

James Dietz

was on a business trip for most of the week, but he came and met up with us for the wedding weekend festivities, and he drove the girls home on Saturday night, so I had the entire drive to think, listen to music, and rest after a long week.

All that being said, it was (as all trips are) a blast, an incredible gift, and a huge break from our routine, with all the blessings and challenges that come with it.

S.E. Reid

spoke in her devotional last week about summer as a season of growth amidst the dryness and heat, and truly, it could not have come at a more perfect time:

Supposed To Grow

Summer and traveling (individually, let alone both together) have a way of throwing us for a loop again and again, demanding flexibility and patience and a corporeal, visceral reckoning with our needs - and this past week was no different. Traveling meant that we were away from home for six of seven nights, the most we’ve been gone in two years. Cue the sleep disruptions, late bedtimes, and one skipped nap. We stayed with some old friends who also have two daughters, so we were learning how to balance the girls’ play time with needed alone time and rest on a scale our toddler had never experienced. Cue the jealous wailing and the socially-exhausted meltdowns. And then there were the endless ways in which a change of location deprives us of the little habits and reminders we set for ourselves - to take our vitamins, drink enough water, stop and pray, write our upcoming Substack post…

I wouldn’t change the trip for the world, but all of these deviations from normal - and the inevitable downstream effects - have reminded me of two profound truths:

1. We are physical, embodied human beings with real needs.

2. We are so deeply dependent on one another.

One of the biggest things to watch out for in the Texas summer heat is dehydration. I used to attend an annual field school with the Texas Archaeological Society, and it was common for a few of the older, more experienced participants to wander around the dig site shouting things like, “Have you hydrated lately??” or the ever-relevant, “If your pee’s yellow, you’re doing it wrong!!” It is so easy to forget to drink water, and the effects of dehydration can mimic so many other things, until you finally realize what the culprit is. And like always with parenting, I am having to create new habits in myself in order to care for my children. The girls are in two very different stages of dependence, and they force me in two very different ways to focus on meeting my own needs and theirs.

The baby, three months old, is still exclusively breastfed. I’ve been told many times that it’s impossible for breastfed babies to be constipated // normal and healthy for them to go several days without pooping, but frankly, I think that’s a load of bull, based on the direct correlation between how much (or little) water I’ve consumed in the last 24 hours and how angry she gets when trying to poop. Because she’s already doing most of her poops on her tiny potty, I’m very present with her in these moments, and I can promise that my hydration (and thus her hydration) affects her ability to poop easily.¹ Of the handful of days she’s gone without pooping, I think that all but one or two have been days when I’ve been dehydrated. Every frustrated cry or prolonged-but-fruitless strain serves as a reminder to check in with my own water intake.

Our toddler, while she is no longer nursing, is very much a distracted toddler, and she might go entire days with no fluids beyond a glass of milk at breakfast if we forgot to remind her. As a result, I’ve decided that my best bet is to Pavlov’s Dog this child.² When I want her to take a drink of water, I say, “It’s very hot outside!” and pass her a water bottle. My long-term goal here is that as she grows up, every time anyone comments on the heat, she will decide she’s thirsty. The short-term benefit is that I’m paying more attention to the heat - and my own response to it - and am remembering to pack and drink more water myself. Stay tuned for updates on whether this works and also how we handle it in the winter.

All this to say, I’ve remembered this week that my own well-being is intimately tied up with the well-being of my children, and that in many ways, I cannot serve and love them without tending to myself as well. My own dysregulation compounds in them, in just the same way that my practice of virtue (God-willing) bears fruit thirtyfold and sixtyfold and a hundredfold in them.³ In an age where we are so distant from the physical world (think pre-packaged snacks, air conditioning, and cell phones - guilty as charged on all counts), we tend to lose sight of this interdependence, to forget that it’s written into all our relationships. We have no relationship with the places where our food is grown or the people who build our homes. We praise “healthy boundaries” as the hallmark of maturity and wholeness.⁴ In place of interdependence, we idolize “self-care” and argue endlessly about whether taking a shower alone should be called self-care or the bare minimum of functioning. We swing back and forth between two extremes: first, that I will pour myself out more and more until I am completely spent, physically or mentally unable to function; and then second, that I will not allow myself to be taken, blessed, broken, and given⁵ at all and will choose to foster resentment towards anyone who asks that of me. I can’t help but wonder if cultivating an awareness of our interdependence would allow us to strike a healthier and holier balance between these attitudes. To imitate Christ’s fruitful self-gift on the Cross in a more authentic way. When “my good” and “your good” are not seen as opposed, but recognized as intimately intertwined, we become teammates, working together for our mutual benefit.

Now that we are (blessedly) all home and reunited and planning to spend the week re-establishing our routines before the beginning of the new school year, we’re experiencing the growing pains of finding our expectations again. But we do so with a renewed appreciation for the ways in which those routines nourish us - not only as individuals, but as the relational and interdependent family members that we are. There is great peace in knowing that, no matter how far or how long we travel, home will always be waiting to welcome us back and nurture us.

Tell me about the routines in your home that sometimes get left behind during seasons of change! How do you (intentionally or not) cultivate interdependence in your life? Where would greater awareness allow you to better tend to yourself and your family?

1. The general rule of thumb is that you can look at a baby’s fontanelle and tell how dehydrated they are, but Her Chunkiness has so much hair that you can’t see her scalp, so we have to rely on other markers!

2. Yes, just like that episode of The Office.

3. Of course, today we’re talking about physical dysregulation and physical needs, but I’d argue that the same principle applies throughout parenting on emotional, psychological/mental, and spiritual levels as well.

4. I recently read this article critiquing some of the ways in which our culture talks about boundaries; while there are some points on which I disagree, it was overall a very insightful essay.

5. See Mark 14:22 and Mark 8:6 - this is the paradigm for our Eucharistic gift of self.