Sara, you bring back lots of memories in your reflections this morning. Your suggestion "to make a plan but hold it lightly" is one that has been most certainly helpful for me. In addition, it helped me to recognize that the most important thing was to pray, trust, endure, persevere, and know that every mother has gone through these experiences as well. Children will grow up and will bring with them a whole other category of concerns, that make midnight feedings seem like a piece of cake (at least the need was evident and could easily be filled). The wonderful part is that it is not how perfectly you met your ideals, but the time, sacrifice, and devotion that you show as mother will be what your children register.
OHHHHHH all of it. Every time I've tried to craft a Rule for my life, I abandon it because I turn it into such an idolized thing.
"...we’ve come to believe that if we can just make the right tweaks to our lifestyle, we can control everything." The prosperity gospel has woven its way into secular culture as well, so we receive this message from every angle - a myth that we can control everything, if we just do xyz. When I was pregnant with our first, the father of a teenager told me that having kids was the most humbling thing in his life - and it's true. I feel like every day, I'm being actively humbled...sort of ground down and re-built. Which sounds dark and dramatic, but I mean it in a positive way, however challenging it is! My desire for control of circumstances gets dashed daily. Hopefully I'll learn the lesson soon, haha!
Sara. I want to give you a hug. I feel like you literally described my difficulty at mothering 2 small boys not that long ago. Looking back now I feel like the I was a Pharisee
'They tie up heavy burdens hard to carry
and lay them on people's shoulders,
but they will not lift a finger to move them.'
Except I was placing a heavy burden on my own shoulders and expecting me to be able to accomplish what I would never expect of others. Showing myself kindness really helped. Father Jacques Philip's Searching For and Maintaining Peace also helped...I've had to read and re-read it several times.
I wish I lived closer to help you. You are doing holy work. Lack of sleep is such a difficult underrated cross of motherhood. I promise one day they will sleep through the night. Praying so much for you
Okay I KNOW Holly Pierlot goes to great lengths to point out that a Rule will be different for everyone and different in different stages, etc etc.... But. I need to point out that her YOUNGEST child was 4 when she finally established hers. She had been more or less sleeping through the night for at least two years, and was not pregnant or breastfeeding.
I’m not saying that it’s just hopeless and we should abandon all attempts at forming good habits, but like....
YES girl I have to remind myself of this all the time. Her oldest kiddos were able to help with chores and supervising the baby and stuff… my oldest is currently crying because I have to feed the baby to sleep lol
It feels really good to know exactly what you mean on abandonment. Believers know that feeling all too well.
Hard indeed. On paper it sounds so good but in practice it’s difficult. You know Myles is really young still - I need to start praying with him out loud. I have this weird theory about parenthood that adults need training too. We think all of a sudden one day we are just going to be like “and today is the day we will start x.” In reality it’s something we too have to work up too by doing theses things daily. The other hard thing is also knowing 5:30 is mad early - and sometimes the flesh really wants to sleep still. I’m nervous about showing him how we should respond even in the frustration. In someway, we are the first representers of Christ to our children. What a responsibility! Ok I’m rambling now but this helped me process this morning lol
Yes! Praying aloud with our now-two-year-old definitely took some getting used to, but we're starting to see the fruits of it (she'll point out when we pass our church and say, "Hi Jesus! Love you, Jesus!" or randomly start saying parts of the Our Father or the grace before meals throughout the day)--we're trying to keep that constant habit of prayer built into her from the get-go, and it's definitely changing us as well. Making it more of a habit than it had been before she was born.
This definitely isn't a weird theory! All of this is really, really true--the gradual habit-building that is growth in virtue, the parents as primary educators of the faith//family as the Church in miniature, the learning from our children how to be better children of God, better adults, etc! You've touched on so many of the topics I love exploring here--if our vocation to marriage and family life is the primary means in and through which we will grow in holiness, then we should expect to see these purifying fires every day! But gosh that doesn't make it easier to walk through them!
Sara this is so on point. I’m finding that relying on these infant guides that’s grounded sometimes in perfectionism makes it difficult really to be present with my son. Even to the point of getting frustrated because he’s waking up in the night because be wants to be held because I want him go be independent. This was grounding. I kept thinking about 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 where Paul reminds us that God’s strength is made perfect in our weakness. I wonder when we try to reach perfection are we subconsciously saying and rejecting God’s desire to help and support us? Again, thank you for your thoughts on this. A healthy reminder to be present.
Ahhh Marc, I could write a whole reflection on just the ways I’ve consciously and subconsciously felt abandoned by God when it comes to infant sleep (this sounds so emo but I know you know what I mean)—so I think you’re absolutely onto something. Trying to remain present in each moment and accept that each moment as it comes contains the will of God for my life has helped—if God is allowing both my children to wake up at 5:30am, then where can I find a chance to practice virtue with them in that moment and throughout that day? It’s hard!!
I have often had to go back to a few remainders because hooo boy, do I understand this battle for control and the way my "plan" can become an idol. And yet, of course not having a plan is not helpful either! So I tell myself, "you have to have a plan to change it". I need to have an idea of where I want to go in order to even find an alternate route of getting there. I'm probably not taking the route I set out to take, but hopefully I can get close to the destination.
And this C.S. Lewis quote: “The great thing, if one can, is to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions of one's 'own,' or 'real' life. The truth is of course that what one calls the interruptions are precisely one's real life -- the life God is sending one day by day.”
Sara, you bring back lots of memories in your reflections this morning. Your suggestion "to make a plan but hold it lightly" is one that has been most certainly helpful for me. In addition, it helped me to recognize that the most important thing was to pray, trust, endure, persevere, and know that every mother has gone through these experiences as well. Children will grow up and will bring with them a whole other category of concerns, that make midnight feedings seem like a piece of cake (at least the need was evident and could easily be filled). The wonderful part is that it is not how perfectly you met your ideals, but the time, sacrifice, and devotion that you show as mother will be what your children register.
OHHHHHH all of it. Every time I've tried to craft a Rule for my life, I abandon it because I turn it into such an idolized thing.
"...we’ve come to believe that if we can just make the right tweaks to our lifestyle, we can control everything." The prosperity gospel has woven its way into secular culture as well, so we receive this message from every angle - a myth that we can control everything, if we just do xyz. When I was pregnant with our first, the father of a teenager told me that having kids was the most humbling thing in his life - and it's true. I feel like every day, I'm being actively humbled...sort of ground down and re-built. Which sounds dark and dramatic, but I mean it in a positive way, however challenging it is! My desire for control of circumstances gets dashed daily. Hopefully I'll learn the lesson soon, haha!
YES to the prosperity gospel comment! It’s everywhere!
I’m humbled to see that my random post resonated with you. Thank you for your kind words!
The timing was perfect, and all the household images at the beginning had me in tears 😂
Sara. I want to give you a hug. I feel like you literally described my difficulty at mothering 2 small boys not that long ago. Looking back now I feel like the I was a Pharisee
'They tie up heavy burdens hard to carry
and lay them on people's shoulders,
but they will not lift a finger to move them.'
Except I was placing a heavy burden on my own shoulders and expecting me to be able to accomplish what I would never expect of others. Showing myself kindness really helped. Father Jacques Philip's Searching For and Maintaining Peace also helped...I've had to read and re-read it several times.
I wish I lived closer to help you. You are doing holy work. Lack of sleep is such a difficult underrated cross of motherhood. I promise one day they will sleep through the night. Praying so much for you
Love you, sweet friend. I wish we lived closer too 😭 one day we’ll make it happen!
And yes, I need to reorder that book—I have my copy to my BIL after his conversion and never replaced it!
Okay I KNOW Holly Pierlot goes to great lengths to point out that a Rule will be different for everyone and different in different stages, etc etc.... But. I need to point out that her YOUNGEST child was 4 when she finally established hers. She had been more or less sleeping through the night for at least two years, and was not pregnant or breastfeeding.
I’m not saying that it’s just hopeless and we should abandon all attempts at forming good habits, but like....
YES girl I have to remind myself of this all the time. Her oldest kiddos were able to help with chores and supervising the baby and stuff… my oldest is currently crying because I have to feed the baby to sleep lol
Every night, the fact that I nurse the 1.5yo is heartbreaking for my 3yo. Every. Time.
It feels really good to know exactly what you mean on abandonment. Believers know that feeling all too well.
Hard indeed. On paper it sounds so good but in practice it’s difficult. You know Myles is really young still - I need to start praying with him out loud. I have this weird theory about parenthood that adults need training too. We think all of a sudden one day we are just going to be like “and today is the day we will start x.” In reality it’s something we too have to work up too by doing theses things daily. The other hard thing is also knowing 5:30 is mad early - and sometimes the flesh really wants to sleep still. I’m nervous about showing him how we should respond even in the frustration. In someway, we are the first representers of Christ to our children. What a responsibility! Ok I’m rambling now but this helped me process this morning lol
Yes! Praying aloud with our now-two-year-old definitely took some getting used to, but we're starting to see the fruits of it (she'll point out when we pass our church and say, "Hi Jesus! Love you, Jesus!" or randomly start saying parts of the Our Father or the grace before meals throughout the day)--we're trying to keep that constant habit of prayer built into her from the get-go, and it's definitely changing us as well. Making it more of a habit than it had been before she was born.
This definitely isn't a weird theory! All of this is really, really true--the gradual habit-building that is growth in virtue, the parents as primary educators of the faith//family as the Church in miniature, the learning from our children how to be better children of God, better adults, etc! You've touched on so many of the topics I love exploring here--if our vocation to marriage and family life is the primary means in and through which we will grow in holiness, then we should expect to see these purifying fires every day! But gosh that doesn't make it easier to walk through them!
I love that - all of it. This is the affirmation I needed to start praying out loud early. Needed this!
Sara this is so on point. I’m finding that relying on these infant guides that’s grounded sometimes in perfectionism makes it difficult really to be present with my son. Even to the point of getting frustrated because he’s waking up in the night because be wants to be held because I want him go be independent. This was grounding. I kept thinking about 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 where Paul reminds us that God’s strength is made perfect in our weakness. I wonder when we try to reach perfection are we subconsciously saying and rejecting God’s desire to help and support us? Again, thank you for your thoughts on this. A healthy reminder to be present.
Ahhh Marc, I could write a whole reflection on just the ways I’ve consciously and subconsciously felt abandoned by God when it comes to infant sleep (this sounds so emo but I know you know what I mean)—so I think you’re absolutely onto something. Trying to remain present in each moment and accept that each moment as it comes contains the will of God for my life has helped—if God is allowing both my children to wake up at 5:30am, then where can I find a chance to practice virtue with them in that moment and throughout that day? It’s hard!!
I have often had to go back to a few remainders because hooo boy, do I understand this battle for control and the way my "plan" can become an idol. And yet, of course not having a plan is not helpful either! So I tell myself, "you have to have a plan to change it". I need to have an idea of where I want to go in order to even find an alternate route of getting there. I'm probably not taking the route I set out to take, but hopefully I can get close to the destination.
And this C.S. Lewis quote: “The great thing, if one can, is to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions of one's 'own,' or 'real' life. The truth is of course that what one calls the interruptions are precisely one's real life -- the life God is sending one day by day.”
So accurate and so true. The only control we truly have is self-control!
Thank you, Marian!
You as well! I look forward to reading it!!