I really appreciate how you’ve named setting the tone as a work and cross given by God. True and insightful. This helps be re-see my role and my work this Monday morning!
I might have to experiment with that dish hack! Our counter space is so limited, and our sink is so small, that I’m really held up by any sort of delay in the dish loading department… but then technically that is now a certain child’s job, which means I can become very cranky quite quickly when I actually can’t make food bc they have just piled things in the sink willy nilly. 🤨
But yes, I absolutely agree that this tone setting is the hardest job and I like the perspective of it being a vocational cross, because of course it feels deeply unfair, but it’s also just a fact that our kids are borrowing our nervous systems all day long, so our regulation or dysregulation plays out all over the place. Anecdotally, we have much more difficult days when I’m not doing well. Everyone is whinier, needier, crankier — more of everything. I think because “not doing well” so often translates to me engaging in distracted numbing behavior and it makes them feel a little unsteady when I’m not engaged. It’s not flattering, but it’s true. So even choosing to try to focus on small moments of connection and sticking to our routine regardless of how I feel helps a lot. But I don’t honestly know if I’ve had many seasons as challenging as the past six months in this regard. Moving is a lot!
This is so real--the more I'm distracted (either by unhealthy behaviors or by good work at the wrong time), the needier my kids become. And I've noticed it compound over time, so if I have one distracted day, it's one thing, but if I have a distracted week, it becomes exponentially more of an issue. I see a lot of parallels between the "listen to your body telling you to rest" discourse and this idea of "listen to your children's behavior because they're communicating with you nonverbally".
There are so many things like this where there’s a need to parse out a middle ground between the liberal feminist take and the conservative Christian take. This is a big one; brava! I’m writing about domestic labor and will be linking to this post🙌🏼
I also have a three-year-old who just started Catechesis of the Good Shepherd! Just beautiful. So grateful for it and I agree that there’s much to be learned from the Montessori approach for the at-home parent. (Though as you said, without developing unrealistic expectations😂)
Can't wait to read your thoughts on domestic labor, that's another topic that just gets me like o_o and I end up trying to opt out of a lot of the online conversation because it just gets me riled up in one way or another. But I know you'll have the no-nonsense, no-hype take I'm looking for.
So much wisdom in this, Sara! I sat in on my kids' CGS a couple times last year and it was really eye-opening how all the children went from spazzing out and chasing each other in the waiting area to being calm and reverent in the atrium. And a good reminder to me to get off my phone in the mornings (I justified it this morning by saying I needed to put in the grocery order and here I am 🙃), and set the tone for the day with family morning prayer and a read aloud. When I'm committed to these things, it really does make our home life feel "fully alive".
I love this, but I also hate it. (Because it’s convicting.) I know my kids are crankier when I’m cranky. Last week…well, I used the words “awful” and “I want to quit” multiple times when I was telling my husband how the day went. But last week was also my bad PMDD week, and as much I also hate that, I’m flailing to try to figure out how to regulate myself when my mental illness makes me grit my teeth with rage at every little irritant or infraction. My kids could tell. I know they could tell. I just don’t know how to make it better. All I can do is apologize to my kids and pray that God will make up my failures so my kids can grow up with memories of a mom who was loving and not angry. (I worry so, so much that my kids are only ever going to remember me as angry.)
Ahhhh, HA, this is so real--and you're so right, the burden of mental (and physical) illness can make this responsibility feel so stifling. I'm right there with you in that worry, and in the prayer that authentic apologies can help rebuild when I haven't been at my best. It can be so challenging to navigate honest discussions with our kids about our capacity as mothers, let alone to figure out effective rest/solutions/workarounds when we're in the trenches.
(Related, I'm not sure if you've connected with Breanne Rogers here on Substack? She's another PMDD mama.)
Brilliant! My son is only (almost) 1 but I’m already thinking about trying to get CGS started at our parish!
It's been such a gift! We signed up for it kind of randomly, but I've been really really grateful for it.
I really appreciate how you’ve named setting the tone as a work and cross given by God. True and insightful. This helps be re-see my role and my work this Monday morning!
So glad to hear this :) I'm having to remind myself of it a lot these days!
Needed this this morning! Off to work 😉
I might have to experiment with that dish hack! Our counter space is so limited, and our sink is so small, that I’m really held up by any sort of delay in the dish loading department… but then technically that is now a certain child’s job, which means I can become very cranky quite quickly when I actually can’t make food bc they have just piled things in the sink willy nilly. 🤨
But yes, I absolutely agree that this tone setting is the hardest job and I like the perspective of it being a vocational cross, because of course it feels deeply unfair, but it’s also just a fact that our kids are borrowing our nervous systems all day long, so our regulation or dysregulation plays out all over the place. Anecdotally, we have much more difficult days when I’m not doing well. Everyone is whinier, needier, crankier — more of everything. I think because “not doing well” so often translates to me engaging in distracted numbing behavior and it makes them feel a little unsteady when I’m not engaged. It’s not flattering, but it’s true. So even choosing to try to focus on small moments of connection and sticking to our routine regardless of how I feel helps a lot. But I don’t honestly know if I’ve had many seasons as challenging as the past six months in this regard. Moving is a lot!
This is so real--the more I'm distracted (either by unhealthy behaviors or by good work at the wrong time), the needier my kids become. And I've noticed it compound over time, so if I have one distracted day, it's one thing, but if I have a distracted week, it becomes exponentially more of an issue. I see a lot of parallels between the "listen to your body telling you to rest" discourse and this idea of "listen to your children's behavior because they're communicating with you nonverbally".
There are so many things like this where there’s a need to parse out a middle ground between the liberal feminist take and the conservative Christian take. This is a big one; brava! I’m writing about domestic labor and will be linking to this post🙌🏼
I also have a three-year-old who just started Catechesis of the Good Shepherd! Just beautiful. So grateful for it and I agree that there’s much to be learned from the Montessori approach for the at-home parent. (Though as you said, without developing unrealistic expectations😂)
Can't wait to read your thoughts on domestic labor, that's another topic that just gets me like o_o and I end up trying to opt out of a lot of the online conversation because it just gets me riled up in one way or another. But I know you'll have the no-nonsense, no-hype take I'm looking for.
Love this! Plus the extra dish rack… genius. Just genius.
I can’t remember where I got that idea from, but I’m obsessed with it.
Beautiful Sara! ❤️
So much wisdom in this, Sara! I sat in on my kids' CGS a couple times last year and it was really eye-opening how all the children went from spazzing out and chasing each other in the waiting area to being calm and reverent in the atrium. And a good reminder to me to get off my phone in the mornings (I justified it this morning by saying I needed to put in the grocery order and here I am 🙃), and set the tone for the day with family morning prayer and a read aloud. When I'm committed to these things, it really does make our home life feel "fully alive".
Oh, Dominika, you GET me with the morning phone usage. It really does contribute so much to my level of attentiveness and patience throughout the day.
I love this, but I also hate it. (Because it’s convicting.) I know my kids are crankier when I’m cranky. Last week…well, I used the words “awful” and “I want to quit” multiple times when I was telling my husband how the day went. But last week was also my bad PMDD week, and as much I also hate that, I’m flailing to try to figure out how to regulate myself when my mental illness makes me grit my teeth with rage at every little irritant or infraction. My kids could tell. I know they could tell. I just don’t know how to make it better. All I can do is apologize to my kids and pray that God will make up my failures so my kids can grow up with memories of a mom who was loving and not angry. (I worry so, so much that my kids are only ever going to remember me as angry.)
Ahhhh, HA, this is so real--and you're so right, the burden of mental (and physical) illness can make this responsibility feel so stifling. I'm right there with you in that worry, and in the prayer that authentic apologies can help rebuild when I haven't been at my best. It can be so challenging to navigate honest discussions with our kids about our capacity as mothers, let alone to figure out effective rest/solutions/workarounds when we're in the trenches.
(Related, I'm not sure if you've connected with Breanne Rogers here on Substack? She's another PMDD mama.)
I’m subscribed to Breanne, yes! It was one of her posts that made me say “this is so familiar…what is PMDD?” That question led to my own diagnosis.
Love all of this, so much. Great work.