I might have to experiment with that dish hack! Our counter space is so limited, and our sink is so small, that I’m really held up by any sort of delay in the dish loading department… but then technically that is now a certain child’s job, which means I can become very cranky quite quickly when I actually can’t make food bc they have just piled things in the sink willy nilly. 🤨
But yes, I absolutely agree that this tone setting is the hardest job and I like the perspective of it being a vocational cross, because of course it feels deeply unfair, but it’s also just a fact that our kids are borrowing our nervous systems all day long, so our regulation or dysregulation plays out all over the place. Anecdotally, we have much more difficult days when I’m not doing well. Everyone is whinier, needier, crankier — more of everything. I think because “not doing well” so often translates to me engaging in distracted numbing behavior and it makes them feel a little unsteady when I’m not engaged. It’s not flattering, but it’s true. So even choosing to try to focus on small moments of connection and sticking to our routine regardless of how I feel helps a lot. But I don’t honestly know if I’ve had many seasons as challenging as the past six months in this regard. Moving is a lot!
This is so real--the more I'm distracted (either by unhealthy behaviors or by good work at the wrong time), the needier my kids become. And I've noticed it compound over time, so if I have one distracted day, it's one thing, but if I have a distracted week, it becomes exponentially more of an issue. I see a lot of parallels between the "listen to your body telling you to rest" discourse and this idea of "listen to your children's behavior because they're communicating with you nonverbally".
I really appreciate how you’ve named setting the tone as a work and cross given by God. True and insightful. This helps be re-see my role and my work this Monday morning!
I love this, but I also hate it. (Because it’s convicting.) I know my kids are crankier when I’m cranky. Last week…well, I used the words “awful” and “I want to quit” multiple times when I was telling my husband how the day went. But last week was also my bad PMDD week, and as much I also hate that, I’m flailing to try to figure out how to regulate myself when my mental illness makes me grit my teeth with rage at every little irritant or infraction. My kids could tell. I know they could tell. I just don’t know how to make it better. All I can do is apologize to my kids and pray that God will make up my failures so my kids can grow up with memories of a mom who was loving and not angry. (I worry so, so much that my kids are only ever going to remember me as angry.)
Ahhhh, HA, this is so real--and you're so right, the burden of mental (and physical) illness can make this responsibility feel so stifling. I'm right there with you in that worry, and in the prayer that authentic apologies can help rebuild when I haven't been at my best. It can be so challenging to navigate honest discussions with our kids about our capacity as mothers, let alone to figure out effective rest/solutions/workarounds when we're in the trenches.
(Related, I'm not sure if you've connected with Breanne Rogers here on Substack? She's another PMDD mama.)
There are so many things like this where there’s a need to parse out a middle ground between the liberal feminist take and the conservative Christian take. This is a big one; brava! I’m writing about domestic labor and will be linking to this post🙌🏼
I also have a three-year-old who just started Catechesis of the Good Shepherd! Just beautiful. So grateful for it and I agree that there’s much to be learned from the Montessori approach for the at-home parent. (Though as you said, without developing unrealistic expectations😂)
Can't wait to read your thoughts on domestic labor, that's another topic that just gets me like o_o and I end up trying to opt out of a lot of the online conversation because it just gets me riled up in one way or another. But I know you'll have the no-nonsense, no-hype take I'm looking for.
I've started learning this mostly after baby #2, since that meant that child #1 was more aware of his place as the eldest, the helper, and as his own person.
Finally, finally had a chance to sit and read this and I loved it. Thank you for being encouraging without sugarcoating! This is honestly the kind of post I will save a return to when I need a little reset. ❤️
So much wisdom in this, Sara! I sat in on my kids' CGS a couple times last year and it was really eye-opening how all the children went from spazzing out and chasing each other in the waiting area to being calm and reverent in the atrium. And a good reminder to me to get off my phone in the mornings (I justified it this morning by saying I needed to put in the grocery order and here I am 🙃), and set the tone for the day with family morning prayer and a read aloud. When I'm committed to these things, it really does make our home life feel "fully alive".
Recently found your newsletter here and am enjoying the reflections :) I have a family too (three kids), and I’ve recently noticed that when I’m super stressed, it almost always boils down to the pressure I feel for my life to look a certain way. I mean: how my home looks, how good the meals I make are, how my kids behave etc. It’s been very helpful for me to pause and ask myself what ideal image I’m teasing myself with in my head, and why it’s triggering a bad mood. Agree with you; like it or not, we do set the tone. Self Forgiveness is what I’m going for.
I so appreciate what you shared here, and find so much truth in it; but, I also think the father sets the tone, too. Can't it be that both of you do, not that one does more than the other?
I guess that makes me sound like the radical feminist position you name at the start, but I don't mean it to, it's just that when I honestly think about our home and family, I do think that my husband's mood etc affects us all as much as mine does. I guess I'm trying to imagine what you mean when you say it's clear that the mother's mood and attitude affects everyone more than the father's and I just can't see it...
Hey Sophie! Thanks so much for this thoughtful response. I definitely didn't mean to imply that a father's mood has no impact on his family, and I'm very comfortable with the idea that this varies from family to family/couple to couple. I'm certainly not relying on anything other than anecdotal evidence. Looking at my family of origin, my husband's family of origin, and our little family of four, I do think that the women's mood tend to have a stronger effect on the children than the men's, in situations where the whole family is together and all else is equal. (Sample size of three LOL.) When I'm in a foul mood, for example, my kids "tiptoe" or act out or melt down a lot more frequently than they do when my husband is in a foul mood. At 2 and 3.5, this could just be because they spend more time with me and are more "attuned" to my emotions than my husband's. That being said, my husband is much more consistent in his emotional regulation than I am, so that could also obviously play a role. (Thinking about it, the same could probably be said of my parents and my brothers: we were much more sensitive to our mom's moods than our dad's, but our dad in general is a very steady person.)
I don't know! Like I said, in my experience I see more effect from mom's mood, but I'm willing to be wrong!
Thanks for elaborating, and yes, maybe it's more down to individual temperament and also who is spending the most time with the children/in the home, rather than a strict "always the mother" rule? I definitely feel like this isn't the case for my family (three kids from ages 10 months to 11 years), in fact right now we're seeing the longer term impact of both of our temperaments and outlooks and moods from different periods of our lives and through different challenges on my eldest's development emerging in some complex ways. I can also see, reflecting on my own childhood and adulthood since my dad died almost 11 years ago (when I was 27) how much he shaped us in ways both positive and negative (steadiness and calm, but also people pleasuring and avoidance in some ways). In fact the ways he "set the tone" along with my mum are thrown into sharper relief because he's gone now, and I can see how the lack of his quieter presence throws us all off balance all the more clearly. All that is to say, I do love how you sketch out the importance of setting the tone in an intentional way, I just think it all applies to fathers, too. I think there's a tendency to underplay the father's role sometimes in our celebration of and emphasis of the special role of motherhood, but children need and are shaped by both parents so much! I know you're not saying fathers aren't important and don't also shape their kids in important ways, but I just wanted to share my different experiences and perspective. Thanks for writing this, and for listening!
Yes! Definitely a "descriptive" reflection on my experience rather than a "prescriptive" rule for other families to try and strive for. These are such beautiful thoughts, and I love hearing how your observations on this topic have grown and matured alongside your children and in light of your father's absence. It's always so encouraging (and convicting!) to hear from parents whose kids are a little older than mine--as you know, it's easy to get so hyper-focused in the toddler years and lose some of the long-game perspective of parenting.
And to your comment below: yes! I think you raise such a good point about the "ecosystem" of the home and the symbiotic/interdependent/almost dance-like relationship between mother and father. We have such a unique opportunity not only to give and receive support ourselves, but also to show our children how beautiful a healthy relationship can be when both spouses are willing to step in and support one another. And that can be more powerful than either spouse's influence alone! Did you happen to read Leah Libresco Sargeant's piece from Ash Wednesday later year? It's not about this topic of mood-setting directly, but her vision of marriage is very much along these lines.
Finally, a strong HECK YES to the humility/humiliation of parenting when you see your children mimic you. Our eldest often comes up to me when the 2yo is getting into trouble and says, "Mommy, come look at your daughter!" because I say that to my husband all the time... but she also has my exhasperated "huff" down pat and pulls it out allllll the time, which is... less flattering.
Oh what a beautiful article, thank you for linking to it. I resonate so much with that idea of the dance. I had one labour on Good Friday in 2018, that was... An incredible experience!
I'm also reflecting on the fact that the "mood" of the parents is such an entangled thing, an eco system you can't really separate out... The father's mood supporting/impacting the mother's mood and vice versa, and all the interplay that has with the kids' mood and development. They mirror so much back to us, you're right! I see my own and my husband's "tone setting" mirrored back with such startling clarity in my eldest, it's very humbling for both of us...
I might have to experiment with that dish hack! Our counter space is so limited, and our sink is so small, that I’m really held up by any sort of delay in the dish loading department… but then technically that is now a certain child’s job, which means I can become very cranky quite quickly when I actually can’t make food bc they have just piled things in the sink willy nilly. 🤨
But yes, I absolutely agree that this tone setting is the hardest job and I like the perspective of it being a vocational cross, because of course it feels deeply unfair, but it’s also just a fact that our kids are borrowing our nervous systems all day long, so our regulation or dysregulation plays out all over the place. Anecdotally, we have much more difficult days when I’m not doing well. Everyone is whinier, needier, crankier — more of everything. I think because “not doing well” so often translates to me engaging in distracted numbing behavior and it makes them feel a little unsteady when I’m not engaged. It’s not flattering, but it’s true. So even choosing to try to focus on small moments of connection and sticking to our routine regardless of how I feel helps a lot. But I don’t honestly know if I’ve had many seasons as challenging as the past six months in this regard. Moving is a lot!
This is so real--the more I'm distracted (either by unhealthy behaviors or by good work at the wrong time), the needier my kids become. And I've noticed it compound over time, so if I have one distracted day, it's one thing, but if I have a distracted week, it becomes exponentially more of an issue. I see a lot of parallels between the "listen to your body telling you to rest" discourse and this idea of "listen to your children's behavior because they're communicating with you nonverbally".
Brilliant! My son is only (almost) 1 but I’m already thinking about trying to get CGS started at our parish!
It's been such a gift! We signed up for it kind of randomly, but I've been really really grateful for it.
I really appreciate how you’ve named setting the tone as a work and cross given by God. True and insightful. This helps be re-see my role and my work this Monday morning!
So glad to hear this :) I'm having to remind myself of it a lot these days!
Needed this this morning! Off to work 😉
I love this, but I also hate it. (Because it’s convicting.) I know my kids are crankier when I’m cranky. Last week…well, I used the words “awful” and “I want to quit” multiple times when I was telling my husband how the day went. But last week was also my bad PMDD week, and as much I also hate that, I’m flailing to try to figure out how to regulate myself when my mental illness makes me grit my teeth with rage at every little irritant or infraction. My kids could tell. I know they could tell. I just don’t know how to make it better. All I can do is apologize to my kids and pray that God will make up my failures so my kids can grow up with memories of a mom who was loving and not angry. (I worry so, so much that my kids are only ever going to remember me as angry.)
Ahhhh, HA, this is so real--and you're so right, the burden of mental (and physical) illness can make this responsibility feel so stifling. I'm right there with you in that worry, and in the prayer that authentic apologies can help rebuild when I haven't been at my best. It can be so challenging to navigate honest discussions with our kids about our capacity as mothers, let alone to figure out effective rest/solutions/workarounds when we're in the trenches.
(Related, I'm not sure if you've connected with Breanne Rogers here on Substack? She's another PMDD mama.)
I’m subscribed to Breanne, yes! It was one of her posts that made me say “this is so familiar…what is PMDD?” That question led to my own diagnosis.
There are so many things like this where there’s a need to parse out a middle ground between the liberal feminist take and the conservative Christian take. This is a big one; brava! I’m writing about domestic labor and will be linking to this post🙌🏼
I also have a three-year-old who just started Catechesis of the Good Shepherd! Just beautiful. So grateful for it and I agree that there’s much to be learned from the Montessori approach for the at-home parent. (Though as you said, without developing unrealistic expectations😂)
Can't wait to read your thoughts on domestic labor, that's another topic that just gets me like o_o and I end up trying to opt out of a lot of the online conversation because it just gets me riled up in one way or another. But I know you'll have the no-nonsense, no-hype take I'm looking for.
Love this! Plus the extra dish rack… genius. Just genius.
I can’t remember where I got that idea from, but I’m obsessed with it.
Beautiful Sara! ❤️
I needed this today. Thankyou
I've started learning this mostly after baby #2, since that meant that child #1 was more aware of his place as the eldest, the helper, and as his own person.
Finally, finally had a chance to sit and read this and I loved it. Thank you for being encouraging without sugarcoating! This is honestly the kind of post I will save a return to when I need a little reset. ❤️
This was lovely, Sara. As a mama to two daughters, I can definitely relate to what you wrote here. Hope you are having a beautiful day 💗
So much wisdom in this, Sara! I sat in on my kids' CGS a couple times last year and it was really eye-opening how all the children went from spazzing out and chasing each other in the waiting area to being calm and reverent in the atrium. And a good reminder to me to get off my phone in the mornings (I justified it this morning by saying I needed to put in the grocery order and here I am 🙃), and set the tone for the day with family morning prayer and a read aloud. When I'm committed to these things, it really does make our home life feel "fully alive".
Oh, Dominika, you GET me with the morning phone usage. It really does contribute so much to my level of attentiveness and patience throughout the day.
Love all of this, so much. Great work.
Recently found your newsletter here and am enjoying the reflections :) I have a family too (three kids), and I’ve recently noticed that when I’m super stressed, it almost always boils down to the pressure I feel for my life to look a certain way. I mean: how my home looks, how good the meals I make are, how my kids behave etc. It’s been very helpful for me to pause and ask myself what ideal image I’m teasing myself with in my head, and why it’s triggering a bad mood. Agree with you; like it or not, we do set the tone. Self Forgiveness is what I’m going for.
I so appreciate what you shared here, and find so much truth in it; but, I also think the father sets the tone, too. Can't it be that both of you do, not that one does more than the other?
I guess that makes me sound like the radical feminist position you name at the start, but I don't mean it to, it's just that when I honestly think about our home and family, I do think that my husband's mood etc affects us all as much as mine does. I guess I'm trying to imagine what you mean when you say it's clear that the mother's mood and attitude affects everyone more than the father's and I just can't see it...
Hey Sophie! Thanks so much for this thoughtful response. I definitely didn't mean to imply that a father's mood has no impact on his family, and I'm very comfortable with the idea that this varies from family to family/couple to couple. I'm certainly not relying on anything other than anecdotal evidence. Looking at my family of origin, my husband's family of origin, and our little family of four, I do think that the women's mood tend to have a stronger effect on the children than the men's, in situations where the whole family is together and all else is equal. (Sample size of three LOL.) When I'm in a foul mood, for example, my kids "tiptoe" or act out or melt down a lot more frequently than they do when my husband is in a foul mood. At 2 and 3.5, this could just be because they spend more time with me and are more "attuned" to my emotions than my husband's. That being said, my husband is much more consistent in his emotional regulation than I am, so that could also obviously play a role. (Thinking about it, the same could probably be said of my parents and my brothers: we were much more sensitive to our mom's moods than our dad's, but our dad in general is a very steady person.)
I don't know! Like I said, in my experience I see more effect from mom's mood, but I'm willing to be wrong!
Thanks for elaborating, and yes, maybe it's more down to individual temperament and also who is spending the most time with the children/in the home, rather than a strict "always the mother" rule? I definitely feel like this isn't the case for my family (three kids from ages 10 months to 11 years), in fact right now we're seeing the longer term impact of both of our temperaments and outlooks and moods from different periods of our lives and through different challenges on my eldest's development emerging in some complex ways. I can also see, reflecting on my own childhood and adulthood since my dad died almost 11 years ago (when I was 27) how much he shaped us in ways both positive and negative (steadiness and calm, but also people pleasuring and avoidance in some ways). In fact the ways he "set the tone" along with my mum are thrown into sharper relief because he's gone now, and I can see how the lack of his quieter presence throws us all off balance all the more clearly. All that is to say, I do love how you sketch out the importance of setting the tone in an intentional way, I just think it all applies to fathers, too. I think there's a tendency to underplay the father's role sometimes in our celebration of and emphasis of the special role of motherhood, but children need and are shaped by both parents so much! I know you're not saying fathers aren't important and don't also shape their kids in important ways, but I just wanted to share my different experiences and perspective. Thanks for writing this, and for listening!
Yes! Definitely a "descriptive" reflection on my experience rather than a "prescriptive" rule for other families to try and strive for. These are such beautiful thoughts, and I love hearing how your observations on this topic have grown and matured alongside your children and in light of your father's absence. It's always so encouraging (and convicting!) to hear from parents whose kids are a little older than mine--as you know, it's easy to get so hyper-focused in the toddler years and lose some of the long-game perspective of parenting.
And to your comment below: yes! I think you raise such a good point about the "ecosystem" of the home and the symbiotic/interdependent/almost dance-like relationship between mother and father. We have such a unique opportunity not only to give and receive support ourselves, but also to show our children how beautiful a healthy relationship can be when both spouses are willing to step in and support one another. And that can be more powerful than either spouse's influence alone! Did you happen to read Leah Libresco Sargeant's piece from Ash Wednesday later year? It's not about this topic of mood-setting directly, but her vision of marriage is very much along these lines.
https://firstthings.com/when-feast-and-fast-collide/
Finally, a strong HECK YES to the humility/humiliation of parenting when you see your children mimic you. Our eldest often comes up to me when the 2yo is getting into trouble and says, "Mommy, come look at your daughter!" because I say that to my husband all the time... but she also has my exhasperated "huff" down pat and pulls it out allllll the time, which is... less flattering.
Oh what a beautiful article, thank you for linking to it. I resonate so much with that idea of the dance. I had one labour on Good Friday in 2018, that was... An incredible experience!
*people pleasing - sorry for any typos, reflecting and typing during night feeds! 😅 Thanks again for the food for thought!
I'm also reflecting on the fact that the "mood" of the parents is such an entangled thing, an eco system you can't really separate out... The father's mood supporting/impacting the mother's mood and vice versa, and all the interplay that has with the kids' mood and development. They mirror so much back to us, you're right! I see my own and my husband's "tone setting" mirrored back with such startling clarity in my eldest, it's very humbling for both of us...