Be Non-Coercive (Respectful, Free)

Week 9: Ten Potty-Training Ways of Being

If you’d like to access the introduction/Table of Contents for this series, you can do so here.

Photo by Lubomirkin on Unsplash

Our ninth virtue from our list of the Ten Potty Training Ways of Being is non-coercion. Being non-coercive is likely not a concept we typically use in our daily lives. However, the principle of respect for the dignity of our children—including respect for their free will—is one that we encounter daily. Furthermore, respecting our own freedom (with the obligation it holds for us to form our conscience well) is another key aspect of the Christian life. I’m excited to discuss this virtue with you all!

Be non-coercive – We are not using force, rewards, M&M’s, sticker charts, or anything else pressuring. We are working at a swift pace, but we are not forcing the process and using external reward systems to bribe our kids in the process. If you’ve already begun using rewards, stop now and, if asked, say, “We aren’t doing that anymore.” You don’t need to explain yourself. Rewards cause power struggles in potty training, bottom line.

- Andrea Olson, The Tiny Potty Training Book (affiliate link)

What does it mean to be non-coercive? More or less, not bargaining with terrorists. As much as we love our kids, we can all recognize that they can be incredibly unreasonable, stubborn, and covetous, and we’ve probably all experienced the inevitable feeling of, “Well, maybe if I just sweeten the deal a little bit, things will go smoother for all of us.” On nights when you’re trying to convince them to stop running around long enough to swallow exactly five (5) bites of dinner, the temptation to settle for a short-term fix is oh so real.

And if we’re being honest, we adults can be just as unreasonable, stubborn, and covetous, and sometimes we need to treat ourselves like children. The Lord asks us to remain childlike, but not childish, and the first step to growing in that childlike spiritual maturity is to acknowledge and work through the areas where we still act in childish ways.

This is where the principle of non-coercion comes in. While it might be tempting to allow a short-term solution to a long-term problem “just this once”, we all know that “just this once” quickly turns into “all the time”. And “all the time” quickly builds expectations that we are unable to fulfill forever. This leads to increasing intensity to maintain the same level of desired outcome, as well as (in most cases) outright power struggles as the thrill of the reward or the terror of the threat wears off. It objectively takes more time and more effort to build a habit and a family culture of non-coercion, freedom, and respect for the free will and dignity of each family member; however, it is unquestionably worth it.

Non-coercion does not include a lack of accountability, consequences, or discipline when it is needed. Rather, a non-coercive approach would imply that everyone in a situation knows the consequences of action or inaction, and everyone is given the freedom and space to make their own choices in light of that information. No one is given the responsibility or freedom to make a choice in an area where they do not have the maturity to do so.

Non-coercion also does not mean complete license to do whatever anyone wants to do, but it does mean cultivating an awareness that we can only control ourselves and our own actions. This is where the hard work really starts. We are called to form our own consciences—and to form the consciences of our children—in such a way that we desire to choose what is truly good for us. We cannot be said to be acting in freedom if we are slaves to addiction, if we are drastically misinformed about our telos as human beings, or if we constantly consume junk media that clouds our judgement.

If we are used to bribing our children into compliance or making threats to prevent misbehavior, this mental shift can be daunting, and there will inevitably be a period of rule-breaking and limit-testing as the children and adults in our lives try to ascertain whether or not we’re serious about the new paradigm. But, on the other side of that phase, we begin to see the benefits of a coercion-free culture: less stress for each family member; a sense of ownership, attention to detail, and motivation when tasks must be completed; and overall, greater peace and harmony in the relationships that make up the family.

The situations in which we can or could practice non-coercion feel truly limitless, so please understand that this is far from an exhaustive list. Please also note that, as always, the expectation of healthy adult relationships is mutuality: these are not actions to be completed in a vacuum, endlessly giving yourself, crossing your own boundaries, and refusing to meet your legitimate needs.

With ourselves: Take a day to examine your addictions, the things you “could stop doing whenever you want”. Pick one to begin uprooting from your life, replacing that time or craving with something wholesome instead. Catch yourself in negative shame-based or overly rewards-based self talk and redirect yourself to see the good in the choice you are making. Spend 5 minutes each day reading a book that will form your conscience well in an area where you experience confusion, ambiguity, or doubt.

In prayer: Don’t use food, screen time, or other incentives as a motivation to show up for prayer; rather, honestly evaluate what you can commit to without a reward system and start there. Don’t try to bargain with God to get things that you want. Accept that others—even others in your family—might prefer different types of prayer or different prayer times.

With children: When presenting options, only offer options you are okay with; don’t offer them something you aren’t willing to give. As they age, give them the freedom and independence to make their own choices in ways that are appropriate to their maturity. Allow them to experience the consequences of their actions. Expose them to media, stories, and friendships that will strengthen and deepen their understanding of and desire for the true, the good, and the beautiful. Have difficult conversations with them and help them form their consciences well. Model both conscience formation and choosing the good.

With friends: Give generously without the expectation of return. Don’t hold your friends (or, in some cases, extended family) hostage with a list of things they must do in order to see you, your family, etc.¹ Give them space when they need it and ask them to do the same for you. Refrain from commenting on their parenting choices unless it’s a matter of genuine moral or physical danger. Spend time together doing things that cultivate an awareness of the presence of God in your life.

With spouses: Don’t make your love or affection conditional on their “good behavior”.² Cultivate a habit of mutual self-gift in ways that are meaningful to both of you. If you need or want something from your spouse, tell them, and if not, don’t give them a hard time when they make a choice that you would not have made. Discuss questions you have, situations you’ve encountered, or media/stories you’ve consumed that have shaped and are shaping your conscience. Be selective in the things you do together such that your habits are leading to greater freedom rather than greater enslavement to lesser goods.

What is one thing holding you back from true freedom in your actions? Where do you settle for short-term solutions based on rewards or threats? Do you have a book recommendation that has really helped form your conscience?

1. Don’t think this needs to be said, but I’m talking about, like, buying expensive Christmas presents; I’m not talking about abusive or otherwise harmful individuals.

2. There is a difference between “you hurt me, and I need to process, grieve, and forgive” and “you didn’t make dinner tonight, so I’m not going to talk to you for the rest of the day”.