Love how this is broken down for several different relationships in a person’s life. I remember teaching first grade and those behavior charts never did anything good long term. I can’t imagine how any le any level of coercion helps long term actually. But I can see in the hear of the moment, when dealing with a child, how it can be really helpful.
Oh for sure. And we do it with ourselves all the time too! “If I can finish working on filling out this form, then I can go get a cookie.” I think the key with stuff like that is making sure everyone involved knows the boundaries in advance—kids (especially young kids) can be super all-or-nothing, so if I got candy *last* time I did this, then I get candy *every* time I do this. Catholic Behavior Analyst had some great points in another comment about not rejecting tools outright, especially with older kids who might be a little more reasonable.
This is such a difficult aspect of parenting. I found I use rewards when everyone is starting to lose it. I think that it works for us because it does calm everyone down and it helps me navigate all the children in public. Also I don't use that all the time, and they know rewards are not available all the time. But alas...I do use them
Totally with you on this 😂 but I think CBA made a great point in the other comment—rewards used in an intentional manner can be a really helpful tool, even if rewards used with no strategy or anything can become problematic over time!
A number of good points here. One nuance is that sometimes a tailored approach is needed to help children who have special conditions. I don’t think using rewards in a planned, systematic way with a strategy to fade them equals coercion. It’s very hard to nix an entire category of strategies when there are many different types of learners. I have a lot more thoughts about this topic since I help with potty training professionally, but again, you raise good points to consider, especially regarding the importance of freedom and dignity.
Absolutely, and I hope I don't come across as critical of what you wrote. I just have a unique window into the lives of parents who need to use strategies that are off the beaten path in order to prevent more severe behaviors during the process (e.g., self-injury, hitting) and sometimes with kids who are much older.
Also, our free will is contextual (not determined by our context, but influenced) so even when rewards are not given, it is still more than likely that a child is using the toilet in order to access and/or avoid something in their external environment. I think to your point, we should avoid adding undue or unnecessary "ingredients to the pot" which may actually inhibit the healthy development of a child's free will (e.g., the degree to which our will is free is along a gradient in different contexts) . I think you are writing something important that parents need to remember -- your child's free will is sacred. We guide it as parents, let it go where it will whenever we can by providing choices, and we make sure the guardrails are in place, as well (i.e., "peeing and pooping in pants at some point will no longer be allowed and it is for your good because I love you").
Not at all! I think your point about a personalized approach to potty-training, especially in cases where there are other factors to take into consideration, is critical. I work as an elimination communication coach on the side, and what we often see with parents beginning PT with no special circumstances and little guidance is almost the exact opposite of what you said in your original comment--rewards are used in an unplanned, helter-skelter, escalating way with no long-term strategy to fade them out, which is (I can only assume) what the author of the book quoted in today's post was referring to when she talked about rewards causing power struggles.
And I love the nuance you've added to the discussion of free will--no decision is made in a vacuum, and even if the "reward" is simply a feeling of accomplishment or the lack of a correction, that's still an influencing factor on the decision! It's fascinating to consider our own decisions as adults through this lens--how often do I choose whether or not to ask for help, offer a critique, or speak up in a conversation based on my assumptions/perceptions of how that will be received! It's such a delicate topic to address, especially in children who haven't yet reached the age of reason!
Thank you so much for taking the time to share your experience as an EC Coach - the context of your experience seeing overuse and over-dependency on rewards was really helpful! Totally agreed
Love how this is broken down for several different relationships in a person’s life. I remember teaching first grade and those behavior charts never did anything good long term. I can’t imagine how any le any level of coercion helps long term actually. But I can see in the hear of the moment, when dealing with a child, how it can be really helpful.
Oh for sure. And we do it with ourselves all the time too! “If I can finish working on filling out this form, then I can go get a cookie.” I think the key with stuff like that is making sure everyone involved knows the boundaries in advance—kids (especially young kids) can be super all-or-nothing, so if I got candy *last* time I did this, then I get candy *every* time I do this. Catholic Behavior Analyst had some great points in another comment about not rejecting tools outright, especially with older kids who might be a little more reasonable.
This is such a difficult aspect of parenting. I found I use rewards when everyone is starting to lose it. I think that it works for us because it does calm everyone down and it helps me navigate all the children in public. Also I don't use that all the time, and they know rewards are not available all the time. But alas...I do use them
Totally with you on this 😂 but I think CBA made a great point in the other comment—rewards used in an intentional manner can be a really helpful tool, even if rewards used with no strategy or anything can become problematic over time!
A number of good points here. One nuance is that sometimes a tailored approach is needed to help children who have special conditions. I don’t think using rewards in a planned, systematic way with a strategy to fade them equals coercion. It’s very hard to nix an entire category of strategies when there are many different types of learners. I have a lot more thoughts about this topic since I help with potty training professionally, but again, you raise good points to consider, especially regarding the importance of freedom and dignity.
I’d love to hear your thoughts, if you have time to share them! Will respond more fully this evening when the kids go to sleep.
Absolutely, and I hope I don't come across as critical of what you wrote. I just have a unique window into the lives of parents who need to use strategies that are off the beaten path in order to prevent more severe behaviors during the process (e.g., self-injury, hitting) and sometimes with kids who are much older.
Also, our free will is contextual (not determined by our context, but influenced) so even when rewards are not given, it is still more than likely that a child is using the toilet in order to access and/or avoid something in their external environment. I think to your point, we should avoid adding undue or unnecessary "ingredients to the pot" which may actually inhibit the healthy development of a child's free will (e.g., the degree to which our will is free is along a gradient in different contexts) . I think you are writing something important that parents need to remember -- your child's free will is sacred. We guide it as parents, let it go where it will whenever we can by providing choices, and we make sure the guardrails are in place, as well (i.e., "peeing and pooping in pants at some point will no longer be allowed and it is for your good because I love you").
Not at all! I think your point about a personalized approach to potty-training, especially in cases where there are other factors to take into consideration, is critical. I work as an elimination communication coach on the side, and what we often see with parents beginning PT with no special circumstances and little guidance is almost the exact opposite of what you said in your original comment--rewards are used in an unplanned, helter-skelter, escalating way with no long-term strategy to fade them out, which is (I can only assume) what the author of the book quoted in today's post was referring to when she talked about rewards causing power struggles.
And I love the nuance you've added to the discussion of free will--no decision is made in a vacuum, and even if the "reward" is simply a feeling of accomplishment or the lack of a correction, that's still an influencing factor on the decision! It's fascinating to consider our own decisions as adults through this lens--how often do I choose whether or not to ask for help, offer a critique, or speak up in a conversation based on my assumptions/perceptions of how that will be received! It's such a delicate topic to address, especially in children who haven't yet reached the age of reason!
Thanks so much for chiming in!
Thank you so much for taking the time to share your experience as an EC Coach - the context of your experience seeing overuse and over-dependency on rewards was really helpful! Totally agreed