Be United

Week 10: Ten Potty-Training Ways of Being

If you’d like to access the introduction/Table of Contents for this series, you can do so here.

Photo by Sandy Millar on Unsplash

Our tenth and final virtue from our list of the Ten Potty Training Ways of Being is unity. This virtue encompasses both the internal unity of life to which we are called as Christians and the interpersonal unity we should strive for in our closest relationships. On the latter point, I think

James Dietz

said it best in a speech he gave for a friend’s wedding last year: “G. K. Chesterton has been quoted a lot this weekend: ‘Marriage is a duel to the death which no man of honor should decline,’ but it’s never quite clear who we’re dueling with. Obviously, it’s the children. We have to form a united front against the children!”

Be united – If you have a spouse or partner, it is very helpful if you are both on the same page about potty training. If you aren’t, your child will sense it and will exploit it. If your partner is open to reading this book, it’ll put you on the same page. If not, give him or her the abbreviated version, and if your partner isn’t interested in the actual potty training at all, enlist him or her in doing things around the house, cooking meals, etc., while you do the potty training. If you have a daycare or caregiver, or if Grandma watches the kids sometimes, please prepare them. Tell them you’re doing it, at the very least, and see the Troubleshooting section for more information on “daycares” and the part on “what to say to a naysayer” for more support in uniting your caregiving team.

- Andrea Olson, The Tiny Potty Training Book (affiliate link)

Obviously, the above excerpt is referring to interpersonal unity, which is a key element of family life that we’ll discuss below. However, I would argue that interpersonal unity is both impossible and fruitless if it is not preceded by an internal unity of life. We touched on this topic in our discussion of consistency a few weeks back, but we will go into more depth here.

Unity of life is, more or less, the way of moving through the world as a whole, integrated person.¹ Our behavior does not significantly change based on our circumstances, company, or location. Instead, our whole self is oriented towards the true, the good, and the beautiful, and we place Christ as the goal of our work in every situation. In this way, you become transparent, so to speak, and allow those around you to encounter Christ in you:

“You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.

- Matthew 5:14-16 ESV

Only when we are united within ourselves can we truly be united with another person, because without the self-knowledge that unity of life demands, we cannot fully give of ourselves or know one another. Interpersonal unity is the joining together of two (or more) internally-unified individuals. This is the type of unity that is essential in potty training, as well as in parenting in general: the being-on-the-same-page-ness of raising children, the maintenance of ongoing communication about important topics.

Interpersonal unity in the family not only facilitates a greater peace within and between each member of the family; it also helps to establish mom and dad as authority figures who will stick to the decisions the other has made, which minimizes the frequency with which children will try to pit one parent against the other. A baseline of unity helps us to habituate giving one another the benefit of the doubt in challenging moments, delegate tasks according to enthusiasm and skill set, and disposes us to desire unity over self-righteousness or perpetually insisting on our own way.

Disunity within ourselves leaves us feeling anxious, restless, and lost. Disunity within our marriages, families, and wider friendships can often cause increasing frustration, anger, and even scandal. In between the two extremes of “stubbornly insisting that everyone agree with me” and “refusing to name what I think is good because I just want to go with the flow” lies the art of conversation, collaboration, and compromise. Even in situations of unreconcilable differences, a spirit of unity allows for those differences to coexist without destroying the relationship.

Unity of life is, more or less, the way of moving through the world as a whole, integrated person. Interpersonal unity is the joining together of two internally-unified individuals.

With these two concepts in mind, let’s discuss a few examples of how we can put them into practice.

With ourselves: Pay attention to the ways in which you think, speak, and act in different contexts (home, work, school, church, etc). Ask yourself why there are discrepancies and what you are trying to prove or hide. Set yourself about the task of pursuing the true, good, and beautiful using the means available to you in each moment and fix your sights on Christ in each new task.

In prayer: Speak to the Lord about the things that are on your heart, rather than saying things that you think you should say, the things your friends would say, or the things you think the Lord wants to hear. Practice the art of ending your intercessory prayers with, “but not my will but Thine be done.” Spend time praying with your spouse and children and invite houseguests into your family prayer when the occasion permits.

With children: Act the same way when you are alone, when you are speaking to your children, and when you are speaking to others in front of your children. Do not say things (about your children) in your children’s hearing that you would not say to their face. Model for them what it means to behave the same way in every context, and gently nudge them if you notice vices coming out around certain friends.

With friends: Evaluate whether you change your behavior when spending time with different friends. If so, consider making one small adjustment that re-orients you to the true, good, and beautiful across the board. In collaborative relationships, cultivate a habit of checking in regularly, not only on tasks, but also on the interpersonal side of things. For relationships centered around children, establish routines and expectations regarding the kids: Will they step in if you don’t see your child acting unsafely or unkindly?

With spouses: Cultivate an environment where discussion and conversation are expected. Touch base frequently about how you as a team want to handle difficult situations with extended family, discipline for children, and relationships with friends. Consider scheduling a regularly occurring marriage meeting. Do not speak unkindly to your spouse or about them in front of your children or your friends.

Which of the above relationships is easiest (or hardest) for you when it comes to being patient? Do you have any patience “hacks” or habits that give you more room to breathe in stressful situations?

1. Unity of life was, in a classic “coincidence” moment, the topic of the little talk at my morning of recollection the day that I sat down to write this.