Catching up

What's working for us right now

Photo by Cathal Mac an Bheatha on Unsplash

Happy Monday, friends! It’s been a few weeks since I’ve written to you “live” instead of re-sharing our previous book club study of St. Benedict’s Rule. For those who are new, I hope that the book club was a blessing to you, and welcome to Whole and Holy! I’d love to take today to “catch up” with you all—to share a few things that have been working well for our family over the last few months, and to hear from you about what’s working well (or not well!) for you all.

Slowing Down

For the first time in my life, I’m finding myself feeling “ambitious.” Not in a career, ladder-climbing kind of way (not much higher to rise as an at-home parent), but in the sense that I have a lot of things that I actively want to see through. This is new for me! For most of the last thirty years, I’ve been a sort of “dancing through life” kind of gal, mostly content to just take each day as it comes. But now, juggling the last round of edits on my novel, a couple of paid contracts, and the unpredictability of starting a new business with

James Dietz

, I’m struck by the realization that I’m biting off more than I can reasonably chew.¹

Having goals, of course, means reckoning with the possibility that those goals may not be accomplished on the ideal timeline I’ve set for myself, and may never be accomplished at all. Part of the Christian life is learning to relinquish our ambitious to the Lord, and trusting that He will return to us what will glorify Him. Juggling multiple projects that I care about means prioritizing, but also pushing back deadlines regularly. I’m still learning to be realistic in my estimation of how long tasks will take—and then doubling that to account for unexpected interruptions and delays.

Overall, the lesson I’m taking from this season is just to slooooooooow down. Some days, that means fewer outings with the girls, to allow us more unhurried time. Other days, it means pushing back a personal deadline with grace instead of staying up until 2am to meet it. And often, it means giving up a lesser good in favor of a greater one.

Becca Parsons

talked about this recently, and I loved the way she put it:

Once I began trying to articulate what my priorities were, I realised that quite a lot of the things I was stressing myself out about were actually *not* that important to me after all. They were ‘nice to haves’ that I was treating like ‘must haves’. My husband and I sat down and talked in depth about what our values and priorities were, and from that we were able to flesh out a shared vision for family life. The things that were genuinely important to us, like having a shared family meal in the evening, we prioritised, and everything else we began to relax our grip on.

Captive Audience Prayer Time

I’ve recently rediscovered the USCCB’s daily readings podcast, and the Opus Dei podcast “10 Minutes with Jesus”. I’ve started listening to these, back to back, in the car with my girls when we’re out running errands. Especially on days when we don’t make it to Mass, this is a simple way we can pray with the liturgy and expose the girls to Scripture in manageable bites. Almost like a mini Liturgy of the Word. It’s less than fifteen minutes of listening, and while they’re not always perfectly attentive, they usually do let me pay attention. It’s a nice way for me to prioritize quiet prayer time (albeit imperfectly) because I know that no one will be tugging on my shirt or coming in to climb up on my lap.

Hearing my three-year-old occasionally repeat the psalm response or respond “Nanks be to God” after each reading is also a nice little “pat on the back” as a mom. I might not be doing much right, but this feels like a win. They really are listening, even when they seem actively engaged in something else.

Cast Iron Skillet Pork Tenderloin.

It takes half an hour, start to finish, and it only dirties, like, two dishes. It’s a hit with the kids and goes well with your preferred carb and vegetable sides. Minimal chopping. Seasoned with pantry staples. Endlessly versatile as leftovers. Both my picky eater and my adventurous eater will go to town on it without complaining.

Honestly, need I say more?

Check it out here.

Over the last few months, James and I have decided that I’ll “take off” every Monday night to work on my personal projects and have some quiet time away from the girls. I leave when he gets home from work—any time between 4:30 and about 6:00—and head to our local Panera Bread for free drinks and free wifi. It’s been such a gift to have focused time to work towards the goals I discussed above, or to just sit and read for a few hours. The regularity of it takes off a lot of the pressure to “make the most of it” because I know I’ll have more time soon if I don’t finish everything.

I’ve heard of other mothers taking some sort of “Mother’s Sabbath” or day off, and when I first heard mention of it, it didn’t appeal to me. I cherish our family’s weekends together, and I didn’t want to absent myself from those days, even if I did want some time to myself. But taking hours in the evening has worked really well—the only thing I’m missing is bedtime, which is *not* my favorite time of day as it is. I recently read

Emily Stimpson Chapman

’s essay on authentic Christian anthropology, and it’s been living rent-free in my head as I consider this “night off” in the wider context of our marriage:

What’s true for the body is true for the spirit. If a man isn’t engaging in his home and the world, if he’s not entering deeply into the life of his family, the life of faith, and the life of the work to which he’s been called, from initiation to completion, all in a healthy way, his fatherhood is compromised at the root. His provision, his protection, his gentleness—they’re all weakened by his lack of engagement. And if a woman isn’t receiving—welcoming people into her heart and home and life, seeing the uniqueness of the persons before her, and making space for them grow, mature, and be who God made them to be—than her motherhood is compromised at the root, too. Whatever else she has to offer—provision, protection, gentleness—accomplishes so much less.

I felt very guilty, at first, asking James to take solo bedtime once a week so that I could go out and, as it sometimes feels, do frivolous and self-centered busy work. But I’ve come to be deeply grateful for this time, and to see it in the terms Chapman uses above. My night off is an opportunity for James to habitually practice “engaging” in our family life, which is more often “my” domain as the stay-at-home parent; likewise, my night off is an opportunity for me to practice “receiving” from him—firstly, the gift of time for myself, but secondarily, the gifts and talents the Lord is allowing me to cultivate during that time and the souls He is allowing me to support through my contract work.² In other words, this “night off” can become a microcosm in which we habituate ourselves to the postures and attitudes we want to live out in the rest of our lives.

So I’ve become very passionate about the importance of taking a pressure- and guilt-free night off, especially for mothers. Too often, we get into this mindset that we have to “make the most of” every free minute, especially any time we have without our children. “This is the most I’ll be able to focus all week. I can’t let this time go to waste!” But in reality, this high-pressure and high-guilt mindset only leads to overwhelm, decision fatigue, and procrastination… which leads into a self-perpetuating cycle where we never feel that we’ve “done enough.” When I began to allow myself to just spend my night off doing whatever would bring me the most peace of mind, it became possible for me to do personal or professional work, or to engage in restful non-work activities, without anxiety. I’ve also used this time to go to Adoration, to run errands kid-free, and to resume lap-swimming, which is just about the only form of exercise I’ve ever enjoyed. Four or five hours doesn’t sound like much, but it’s been a really fruitful practice for me—and, by extension, for my family, to whom I’m better able to give of myself during the rest of the week as a result of this personal time each Monday night.

I want to hear from you too! What’s been working for you lately?

1. If you’re in the greater Houston area and are in need of a driveway/house wash, a commercial parking lot restriping, or residential/commercial window washing, we’d love for you to check out Scrub Bros!

2. To be fair—I do offer James a weekly night/morning off if he wants it, but he rarely takes advantage of it, except for attending Recollection once a month.