I love the Mom's night off practice... lately my husband has been taking our toddler out to the park/a walk for an hour after he gets home from work and that has helped me regain some sanity and make supper in peace after long days.
Sara- A few hours just to run simple errands kid-free is an incredible amount of breathing space when the kids are little. I remember I used to take time to just walk through the grocery store and savor every minute of not getting disturbed. Heaven. 🤓
We haven’t done my Saturday morning “off” since we moved and it has been sorely missed. My husband is great about working with me on stuff but life has just been bonkers. I do try to remember that just because something works in a season doesn’t mean that it always works, and there are some that are just harder in different ways. But I’m glad this is working for you! Moms are people too!
It has come to my attention that my life is quite different from other people's lives. Having five kids, three of them are quite complex, I really have to schedule my time, including my recreation, very carefully. I went to a double conference this past weekend and received criticism for doing everything I am doing and being told I should stay at home with the kids. I stay at home a lot. I can't get a full-time job. I take care of so much. Cooking is a horror as we need to prepare multiple meals a day for dinner because of food allergy/eating disorder/autism issues. I don't know how everyone ate while I was gone... but skillet meals don't really work in our house. Most meals don't work in my house and the irony is that I can and will eat anything. Life is full of different seasons and I am thankful for the ability to go away and see people IRL. I am in an MFA program where I am finally doing very well as a student. (I've always struggled in school.) I have been just very down on being told I am a bad mother for spending my time writing and studying... and that I should just take care of the children .... which I do. All. The. Time. That I can't get an education while I have children at home, but I have two adult dependents on whom I will have to care for indefinitely. There is no empty nesting for us so the time for me to pursue an education is when I can fit it in which is now. I think due to my family situation there is very little "off" time. It's not that I want or need advice. My scheduling book and all the other planning tools I have seem to indicate that it is a matter of choices that we all need to make. What God calls us to do. I thought He was calling on me to write and learn how to craft language. I thought this was something I did well. But I wonder, even if I do something well, perhaps the world will call me irresponsible for pursuing it and paint me as a bad Catholic mother for doing so. I suppose your post opens up a bit of a crack in the teacup for me. I want to relax and do something that I want, and I want to do something responsibly but when is a mother being selfish? How can one tell? I don't think I am, and I think perhaps I am just the target of another older mother's regrets or something. But it was so hurtful. So hurtful. I do all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, special education everything, parent teacher meetings, car maintenance, birthday and holiday planning, and all. I think I can use a break. Not that I feel like it is an entitlement, but I would love to just have a respite. My writing/academic life provides me with the only respite I have. I have tried all other forms of community and it has failed. If writing is the only relief... should I keep pursuing it? Or should I quit and offer up the suffering? Does that make me a better person...
Zina, thank you for sharing all this. It sounds like a heavy cross to carry, even without painful comments from others. I’m in a very different season of life, but I understand the anguish of feeling judged or shamed by others for doing what it seems like the Lord is asking of me. My 18mo, in particular, is WILD. A screamer, a climber, a runner, you name it. I’ve left Mass near tears before the readings even start more than once in the last few months because of rude glances or actions from other congregants, and I’ve received several comments from well-meaning parishioners about her. I thought (and think) I’m called to bring my children to the Lord in the sacraments, but it’s so discouraging when other people act like they know my calling better than I do. I don’t go to Mass with them very often by myself anymore because it often feels like just one more comment is more than I can take. All that to say, you are not alone in the challenge of discerning what the Lord’s will looks like from day to day.
I can’t tag people in comments, I don’t think, but Dixie Dillon Lane recently shared some notes about the book she’s writing and some other thoughts on discernment. She’s very wise and has also definitely been through the wringer of seasons where there’s very little time for personal pursuits and seasons where the personal pursuits become the thing we make time for. It sounds like you know in your gut that what you’re doing is working for your family in your current season. I’m sorry that other people have butted in and caused doubt on that front.
Zina, you are much wiser than those who are disparaging you and who are suggesting that your hardships are due to selfishness. It sounds to me as if you are in a challenging situation and are seeking to improve your health and well-being so that you can better serve the people you love. That is not only prudent but is an act of love. Meeting your own needs as a person (and yes, these include creative, emotional, and professional needs) is not selfish. Sometimes we are called to radical self-sacrifice but usually this is in a crisis or for a season; hardships that are lived out over time require stamina as much as they require selflessness. And stamina comes from being realistic and responsible about meeting your needs as a person.
Please let me encourage you to resist believing the quick fix that these folks are offering: giving up your outside-the-family pursuits and never taking breaks and running yourself into the ground likely would not work. Sometimes people are so invested in what has worked for them -- or, even if it actually has not worked for them, in that which they have done -- that they start to lose their ability to imagine other circumstances. So they probably misunderstood you (which is, I know, very painful).
But you are called to live your own life, not theirs, and you are called to discernment, not to submission to the opinions of others. Remember that these are opinions; the church does not teach that women have a single, standardized role from which it is sinful to deviate, even though some people believe this is the only way to be holy. Instead, the church teaches that you are a beloved daughter of God.
I would encourage you, too, to consider whether, realistically, you tend toward selfishness right now. It sounds to me as if you do not -- it sounds as if you spend a tremendous amount of time thinking about and caring for others -- and so the discipline you need is probably *not* to push against possible selfishness (i.e. being harder on yourself). More likely, the discipline you need is to work on *trusting* that caring for yourself is not selfish and that good will come (cont'd)...
Remember, Christ did not call us slaves -- he called us friends. You are beloved and cherished and are called to good stewardship of your well-being so that you can do God's work! If God has placed writing in your path and you see goods coming forth from it, trust in that. Other things can make just a little bit of space so that God can nourish you in this way, and so that your family has the opportunity to serve you, too, as you serve them. It will be okay!
Hang in there, sister. You are in a tough spot but I guarantee you that you are not as alone as you think. I will pray for you! God bless you -- you are a good mom!!
I love the Mom's night off practice... lately my husband has been taking our toddler out to the park/a walk for an hour after he gets home from work and that has helped me regain some sanity and make supper in peace after long days.
Sara- A few hours just to run simple errands kid-free is an incredible amount of breathing space when the kids are little. I remember I used to take time to just walk through the grocery store and savor every minute of not getting disturbed. Heaven. 🤓
We haven’t done my Saturday morning “off” since we moved and it has been sorely missed. My husband is great about working with me on stuff but life has just been bonkers. I do try to remember that just because something works in a season doesn’t mean that it always works, and there are some that are just harder in different ways. But I’m glad this is working for you! Moms are people too!
Loved hearing your thoughts on the night off. We have a similar setup for me on Thursday nights. It's valuable for every single reason you mention.
It has come to my attention that my life is quite different from other people's lives. Having five kids, three of them are quite complex, I really have to schedule my time, including my recreation, very carefully. I went to a double conference this past weekend and received criticism for doing everything I am doing and being told I should stay at home with the kids. I stay at home a lot. I can't get a full-time job. I take care of so much. Cooking is a horror as we need to prepare multiple meals a day for dinner because of food allergy/eating disorder/autism issues. I don't know how everyone ate while I was gone... but skillet meals don't really work in our house. Most meals don't work in my house and the irony is that I can and will eat anything. Life is full of different seasons and I am thankful for the ability to go away and see people IRL. I am in an MFA program where I am finally doing very well as a student. (I've always struggled in school.) I have been just very down on being told I am a bad mother for spending my time writing and studying... and that I should just take care of the children .... which I do. All. The. Time. That I can't get an education while I have children at home, but I have two adult dependents on whom I will have to care for indefinitely. There is no empty nesting for us so the time for me to pursue an education is when I can fit it in which is now. I think due to my family situation there is very little "off" time. It's not that I want or need advice. My scheduling book and all the other planning tools I have seem to indicate that it is a matter of choices that we all need to make. What God calls us to do. I thought He was calling on me to write and learn how to craft language. I thought this was something I did well. But I wonder, even if I do something well, perhaps the world will call me irresponsible for pursuing it and paint me as a bad Catholic mother for doing so. I suppose your post opens up a bit of a crack in the teacup for me. I want to relax and do something that I want, and I want to do something responsibly but when is a mother being selfish? How can one tell? I don't think I am, and I think perhaps I am just the target of another older mother's regrets or something. But it was so hurtful. So hurtful. I do all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, special education everything, parent teacher meetings, car maintenance, birthday and holiday planning, and all. I think I can use a break. Not that I feel like it is an entitlement, but I would love to just have a respite. My writing/academic life provides me with the only respite I have. I have tried all other forms of community and it has failed. If writing is the only relief... should I keep pursuing it? Or should I quit and offer up the suffering? Does that make me a better person...
Zina, thank you for sharing all this. It sounds like a heavy cross to carry, even without painful comments from others. I’m in a very different season of life, but I understand the anguish of feeling judged or shamed by others for doing what it seems like the Lord is asking of me. My 18mo, in particular, is WILD. A screamer, a climber, a runner, you name it. I’ve left Mass near tears before the readings even start more than once in the last few months because of rude glances or actions from other congregants, and I’ve received several comments from well-meaning parishioners about her. I thought (and think) I’m called to bring my children to the Lord in the sacraments, but it’s so discouraging when other people act like they know my calling better than I do. I don’t go to Mass with them very often by myself anymore because it often feels like just one more comment is more than I can take. All that to say, you are not alone in the challenge of discerning what the Lord’s will looks like from day to day.
I can’t tag people in comments, I don’t think, but Dixie Dillon Lane recently shared some notes about the book she’s writing and some other thoughts on discernment. She’s very wise and has also definitely been through the wringer of seasons where there’s very little time for personal pursuits and seasons where the personal pursuits become the thing we make time for. It sounds like you know in your gut that what you’re doing is working for your family in your current season. I’m sorry that other people have butted in and caused doubt on that front.
Zina, you are much wiser than those who are disparaging you and who are suggesting that your hardships are due to selfishness. It sounds to me as if you are in a challenging situation and are seeking to improve your health and well-being so that you can better serve the people you love. That is not only prudent but is an act of love. Meeting your own needs as a person (and yes, these include creative, emotional, and professional needs) is not selfish. Sometimes we are called to radical self-sacrifice but usually this is in a crisis or for a season; hardships that are lived out over time require stamina as much as they require selflessness. And stamina comes from being realistic and responsible about meeting your needs as a person.
Please let me encourage you to resist believing the quick fix that these folks are offering: giving up your outside-the-family pursuits and never taking breaks and running yourself into the ground likely would not work. Sometimes people are so invested in what has worked for them -- or, even if it actually has not worked for them, in that which they have done -- that they start to lose their ability to imagine other circumstances. So they probably misunderstood you (which is, I know, very painful).
But you are called to live your own life, not theirs, and you are called to discernment, not to submission to the opinions of others. Remember that these are opinions; the church does not teach that women have a single, standardized role from which it is sinful to deviate, even though some people believe this is the only way to be holy. Instead, the church teaches that you are a beloved daughter of God.
I would encourage you, too, to consider whether, realistically, you tend toward selfishness right now. It sounds to me as if you do not -- it sounds as if you spend a tremendous amount of time thinking about and caring for others -- and so the discipline you need is probably *not* to push against possible selfishness (i.e. being harder on yourself). More likely, the discipline you need is to work on *trusting* that caring for yourself is not selfish and that good will come (cont'd)...
...from it.
Remember, Christ did not call us slaves -- he called us friends. You are beloved and cherished and are called to good stewardship of your well-being so that you can do God's work! If God has placed writing in your path and you see goods coming forth from it, trust in that. Other things can make just a little bit of space so that God can nourish you in this way, and so that your family has the opportunity to serve you, too, as you serve them. It will be okay!
Hang in there, sister. You are in a tough spot but I guarantee you that you are not as alone as you think. I will pray for you! God bless you -- you are a good mom!!