Five things parishes can do today to build a family culture
Reflections on feeling "held" as a parish visitor
We recently attended Mass at a parish affiliated with the Institute of Christ the King Sovereign Priest (ICKSP for short). In spite of bringing two children under the age of three, who were hopped up on sleep deprivation and travel-induced lack of routine, we felt incredibly welcomed and cared for by the parish community, and as we drove away, I found myself reflecting on the experience.
You can always tell a family parish when you see one, and this was a family parish. Half of the choir were children. Every other woman was either pregnant or wearing a baby. A small army of toddlers roved on the front lawn as their parents listened to the homily over the church speaker system. When I bent down to correct my baby, who was trying to steal a little seed casing from the hand of another child, the other child’s mother reassured me that it was no big deal—“She’s the sixth of seven kids, and she knows exactly where to find more.” In other words, don’t stress yourself out trying to mediate this interaction. Focus on the Mass.
At many parishes, this is where it stops. A sort of sense of “we’re all in this together” among parents. Occasionally, there will be a more-or-less formal declaration of parish “policy” such as the one I discussed here. To be sure, this isn’t a lack! This is an incredible gift from families to families, and often comes with a hidden support network of meal trains, childcare swaps, and play groups. I don’t mean to imply that this is somehow lacking, that it’s “not enough.”
This parish, though, went a step further. Halfway through the homily, when I took my two-year-old to the bathroom, I found (to my joy and amazement!) a potty seat reducer hung on the wall of each stall. And as we were walking through the family life center, I noticed high chairs and booster seats standing at the ready for Coffee & Donuts. Liturgical coloring sheets sat next to a bin of crayons at the entrance to the church, along with an invitation to pray for the son of the artist, who was undergoing medical treatment for a serious condition.
Y’all this parish is anticipating that families will be showing up to their Masses, to their events, to their bathrooms. And not only that, they’re planning for us. They’re taking steps to facilitate an easier existence for families within that space.
I am 100% serious when I say that I have never, never felt so welcomed at a parish. So seen and held and supported and wanted. By offering these incredibly simple and incredibly thoughtful accommodations for my children, the parish was telling me that our presence was desired and important, perhaps even a gift to the community.
recently posted an essay on the ways that our culture is ordered toward/around sterility more than it is ordered around/toward fertility—I’d read the essay mere days before attending this Mass, and I couldn’t help but walk back into the Church thinking, This! This is what it means to build up a culture of life. Of course, advocacy and policy work is important, but as was recently talking about on the podcast, sometimes a grassroots effort at the local level is going to be more practicable, more effective, and more timely than working towards government-wide policy shift or a cultural about-face.If we really believe that the family is the domestic church, the seedbed of vocations, the believing and evangelizing community… do we act like it?
So, without further ado, here are five simple, easy, actionable things that parishes can do today to support families and build a family-friendly culture:
1. Little Free Library // Parish Library of Mass Books
While any kind of LFL is a gift to the community, I’m thinking here of a shelf in the Narthex with Mass-friendly books that families can borrow for the length of Mass and then return. I’ll include a list of our favorites in the footnotes, and I’ll see if I can pester
into collating a more formal list for you all.1 I’ve also seen parishes subscribe to the MagnifiKid magazine in bulk and offer copies to families along with the worship aid, or little “my journey through the Mass” cards that walk kids through each part of the liturgy. These liturgy-themed, age-appropriate tools can help children to enter more deeply into the mystery, while also freeing up parents’ attention (and attitudes!) to participate more fully themselves. (Bonus points if missals, prayer books, or resources for adults are available as well.)2. Diaper Bag // Diaper Station
The parish by our house has offered a diaper station in the family bathroom for about a year now, and it’s a huge blessing. The basic idea is that parishioners can donate diapers and wipes to be made available for families who, for whatever reason, need a clean diaper during Mass and don’t have one. (Maybe you forgot to grab your diaper bag; maybe your kid just outgrew a size; the possibilities are endless.) This is a super scalable project: families could donate new or gently used blankets or onesies to add to the shelf; pads and kleenex packs could be included; clean underwear in toddler sizes might be nice as well. This might look like a literal, physical shelf in the family bathroom, or a spare, labeled backpack that hangs inside the door of the men’s and women’s rooms, depending on the set-up of the church. A laminated or framed sign can alert parents to the existence and availability of these supplies.
3. Potty Seats in the Bathroom Stalls
If the Gospel can’t come with a kid’s potty, at least it can come with a potty seat reducer. The reason I include this as a separate item is because, while the parish by our house used to have a potty seat reducer on the diaper shelf, someone took the “anything on this shelf is free to families in need” sign at its word and took it home. Potty seat reducers (like this one or this one) are cheap to purchase and make a huge impact for the children using the restroom. An alterative option would be to install a 2-in-1 toilet seat (something like this) at least in the family bathroom, and potentially in one stall of each “main” bathroom as well. Parishes that want to take it to the next level might consider offering Post-It Notes or “Flush Hush” suction cups2 to cover the automatic flush sensor. A stool to allow toddlers to reach the sink would also go a long way.
4. High Chairs // Booster Seats in the FLC
If your parish ever hosts any events where food is served and families are welcome, do your families a favor and order a couple of these cheap, sturdy IKEA high chairs. Grab a couple of easily-moved booster seats off Facebook marketplace. Just leave all those bad boys in the Family Life Center during Coffee & Donuts so that mom and dad don’t have to keep juggling the baby between them. Same goes for any parish dinners, baby-friendly date night events, parish missions, fish fries… anything where there is the expectation that families will be seated and eating together. An available high chair can be the make-or-break between a child (or a parent!) having a meltdown mid-meal, and everyone eating at least a little bit of food and getting to chat with their friends.
5. Put a Changing Table in the Men’s Bathrooms
Frankly, I don’t know why we’re still having this conversation, but honestly. Y’all. Dads change diapers too. A few months ago, we went out to brunch with James’ family, and the baby had a blowout. I had just taken the toddler potty, so James was on diaper duty… until he came back out, looking remorseful (and relieved!), and admitted that there was no changing table in the men’s restroom. My sister-in-law was particularly horrified by this, and exclaimed, “Wait! What? I’m an architect! I can change this!”3 Particularly in Catholic churches, where the role of fathers is (or ought to be) particularly respected and emphasized, having no spaces for fathers to change their children’s diapers is not doing anyone any favors. There are no good options for dad at this point. Just give him a changing table.
When we accommodate children in our spaces, we allow the children to feel welcomed and wanted; we give parents mental space to engage more fully in the giving and receiving of parish life; and we invite the wider community to recognize children as unique icons of the Kingdom of God in our midst. These five simple accommodations can be done at any time, on any scale, with any budget… but their impact on the community is immeasurable.
This is, for sure, not an exhaustive list. What did I miss? What would you add? Have you ever had an experience at a parish—your own or one you’ve visited—that left you feeling “held” or supported, like your presence at the parish was anticipated and even desired?
A few of our favorites include:
The “Red Mass Book” (aka Children’s Interactive Missal) from Ascension Press
This cloth “Mass Quiet Book”
This is an affiliate link, which means I get a kickback in store credit if you purchase using this link. I also have a coupon code DIETZ5, which will get you $5 off your purchase if you’re interested in that kind of thing.
Not, of course, that she had any power to change the situation in the moment, but the sentiment still stands. As a person designing future buildings, she can ensure that those buildings do, indeed, have changing tables in the mens’ bathrooms.
One of my favorite things about our current church (where we just had our last Sunday 😭) is a little note in the bulletin that says, “to families with young children” and then explains that we’re so glad you’re here, we know children tend to squawk a bit so don’t be embarrassed, the liturgy belongs to children too. It encourages parents to sit up front, shares where the cry room and changing table is and says, “hurry back!” if you have to take a child out.
I love this! And I think there's a lot to be said about having parents actively communicate ideas like these to our pastors. I'm only beginning to see these needs myself now that I'm a mom! So I can see how easy it would be for those in charge (notoriously celibate men!) to just have no idea about what could be helpful for families. So I went ahead and forwarded this to my brother, a parish priest. He replied "I'm printing it out and will share it with my Parish Leadership Team. Thanks for thinking of me. Yes, this sort of thing is very helpful. It's always exciting to imagine how things at the parish could be more lively and life-giving."
(I only wish our own parish would take note, they have a sign in the bathroom telling parents to take dirty nappies with them or walk all the way outside to bin them...)