What does Potty Training have to do with family life?

I'm freakin' hype about our new Thursday series, y'all.

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Photo by Laura Ohlman on Unsplash. Never ask the Substack AI photo generator to make you a picture of potty training. Just find a different picture.

Now that we’ve wrapped up our Thursday Book Club discussion of the Rule of St. Benedict, I’m excited to introduce our next series, which I hope will be fun and relatable and helpful as you strive to cultivate a holy and healthy family dynamic. It’s not a book club, per se, but rather a weekly discussion of a virtue applied to family life. The list of virtues I’d like to discuss comes from the Ten Potty Training Ways of Being in Andrea Olson’s The Tiny Potty Training Book.

It sounds a little silly, but hear me out. I know that many—perhaps most—of y’all are not currently potty training. (If you are, Godspeed.) BUT, as an elimination communication coach and a mom of two young children, I have strong feelings about potty learning and the ways it can benefit our families.¹ While the list below specifically discusses a potty training situation, as we move ever-closer to potty independence with our two-year-old and continue practicing EC with our four-month-old, I’m struck more and more by how these attitudes apply to so, so many other situations in my daily life - both with my children and with other adults! Sometimes, our brains need to hyper-focus on being virtuous “in a sandbox” so to speak—a safe and limited and well-defined area of our lives—to reduce the perfectionism and expectation of being vigilant 100% of the time.² It is only through practice that we can grow in virtue, build holy habits, and strengthen those muscles of willpower. So, I’m going to propose that we take a few weeks to walk through this list in detail and focus on building up a culture of virtue and respect in our homes.

To get us started, I’m quoting (with permission) from The Tiny Potty Training Book:

The 10 Ways of Being

The following will help you get into the right mindset for this whole process and method.

1. Be physical – in this method, we are teaching by physical demonstration and moving your child to the potty, by helping every pee go in the potty. Telling is not enough...physically guiding her is the key in the first phase of potty training.

2. Be consistent – children learn by repetition, so you must be consistent in your teaching. Keep your energy up and get some support so you can lean on others in other areas of your life for a few days.

3. Be steadfast – start as you mean to go on. Be committed and (in a good way) ruthless. This is your chance to show your child how to commit to something and follow through, to not waver, to not give in or back off. If your mind is not fully made up on whether it’s right to potty train at this time, or in this way, your child will respond by not fully taking to potty training. Make up your mind and be steadfast with your decision. Follow through. You can do it.

4. Be kind – there is no room for coercion, meanness, anger, or punishment in potty training. This is a normal bodily function and we are simply teaching where it now goes. We do this with kindness and respect. Of course, we all get frustrated. Acknowledge it, take a deep breath, and carry on. (And, be kind to yourself! You deserve it.)

5. Be clear – there is also no room for ambiguity or doubt. When you are very clear, and consistent, your child eventually gets that you are serious and follows in suit. I’ve taught elimination communication for years now, and it’s so important to clearly communicate to your child. Again, if you become fuzzy, notice that, take a deep breath, and move forward with a clear direction.

6. Be short-winded – when you over-talk, your child may perceive you as fearful and lacking confidence. Sometimes we parents are genuinely trying to “deeply” teach something, but our over-talking prevents our children from (a) being able to listen and (b) being able to integrate it through their own self- talk. Be brief and short-winded with your teaching, using simple instructions and brief feedback where needed. Then move on to the next thing.

7. Be patient – the learning curve is not linear. It is a big ole happy mess. So, please be patient with yourself and your baby. You were patient when she learned to walk or use a spoon...so use that skill now.

8. Be positive – not that it’s going to be a wholly positive experience, but what I mean here is to accentuate the positive. Praise the child for doing a good job (not for being good, but for having done a good job). I used to not advise praise, but I am all for it now. “You did it! I am so proud” is a great form of praise. Not rewards, not stickers, not treats...those externally motivate. I am talking about expressing your approval for when things go right. When things go wrong, clean it up and make a brief statement of the correct action, then move on. You can even say, “No, pee goes in the potty” to show your disapproval of that action. My point here is to focus on the positive so that every little success will build, and will help motivate the both of you.

9. Be non-coercive – We are not using force, rewards, M&M’s, sticker charts, or anything else pressuring. We are working at a swift pace, but we are not forcing the process and using external reward systems to bribe our kids in the process. If you’ve already begun using rewards, stop now and, if asked, say, “We aren’t doing that anymore.” You don’t need to explain yourself. Rewards cause power struggles in potty training, bottom line.

10. Be united – If you have a spouse or partner, it is very helpful if you are both on the same page about potty training. If you aren’t, your child will sense it and will exploit it. If your partner is open to reading this book, it’ll put you on the same page. If not, give him or her the abbreviated version, and if your partner isn’t interested in the actual potty training at all, enlist him or her in doing things around the house, cooking meals, etc., while you do the potty training. If you have a daycare or caregiver, or if Grandma watches the kids sometimes, please prepare them. Tell them you’re doing it, at the very least, and see the Troubleshooting section for more information on “daycares” and the part on “what to say to a naysayer” for more support in uniting your caregiving team.

While this is a long excerpt, we can boil it down into a list of ten virtues we want to cultivate in ourselves and our children:

1. Physicality/Embodiedness - Being aware of our humanity, our needs, our limitations, and the places where we need to stretch ourselves. I’d classify this as a type of humility or self-awareness.

2. Consistency - Being dependable and reliable, following through on our word, and not ghosting people. Strengthening our will and allowing virtue to become habitual. Acting the same way in every context.

3. Steadfastness/Perseverance - Continuing to work toward holiness (or toward a specific goal), even when things become challenging. Making choices with the good in mind.

4. Kindness - Speaking to one another and acting toward one another with the awareness that each human person is created in imago Dei and deserves respect.

5. Clarity- Saying what we mean to say, rather than talking around it. Using our language to inform and elucidate, rather than obscure and confuse. Seeking and speaking the truth.

6. Short-Windedness - Refraining from gossip, talking-for-the-sake-of-talking, over-explaining, pridefully assuming that we know everything or that we know best.

7. Patience - Giving others the benefit of the doubt, understanding what expectations are realistic, bearing with them in challenging times, and doing our best to maintain a steady emotional state when difficulties arise.

8. Cheerfulness - Refusing to allow moodiness, grumpiness, or dejection to dictate the ways we interact with one another. Choosing to look for the blessings the Lord is offering in the present moment. Cultivating gratitude.

9. Freedom - Respecting the free will of those around us. Exercising our own free will to choose the good, and forming our children to do the same. Balancing freedom with responsibility in light of ability.

10. Unity - Pursuing unity or integration in our lives. Remaining on the same page with our spouses and families through constant communication. Avoiding public arguments or scandals. Working together to pursue the good.

Andrea continues, highlighting the reasons why parents should strive to adopt these attitudes for the duration of potty training:

Your demeanor and patience absolutely affect the potty training process. If you are stressed, it will be stressed. If you are wishy-washy, your child will be wishy-washy about using the potty. If you are ambiguous, your child’s level of success will be up and down. If you are verbose, you will show fear and weakness.

For example, I personally tend toward “stressed” (I am Type A, for sure), and so I am constantly noticing that and then regulating my stress level by taking deep breaths. We all have our tendencies. We all have to stretch in potty training.

It is the greatest challenge...the greatest honor...to have to rise to the occasion and grow up in little ways during this process (ways in which we’ve always wanted to grow).

No pressure. Let’s work on being these wonderful things while in the process of doing potty training.

If you slip with any of the above (you ARE human, aren’t you?), simply notice that and then make an effort to switch back into it. These are moving targets and we can only do our best given our situations...so no hard feelings if you’re not perfect (um, who is?). Just strive as much as you can, and understand why we’re doing each of these things.

They all help.

I especially love this line: “It is the greatest challenge...the greatest honor...to have to rise to the occasion and grow up in little ways during this process (ways in which we’ve always wanted to grow). No pressure. Let’s work on being these wonderful things while in the process of doing potty training.”

In other words, we mostly likely already have a desire to grow in these virtues. Most of us would, if asked, say that we desire to be kinder, more patient, and more consistent. What I love about this approach to potty training is that it really does demonstrate for us how our vocation to marriage and family life is the means through which we will be sanctified. It’s not that we only grow in holiness during our Holy Hour, and then our family is just for funzies on the side. It’s all part of the Lord’s plan for our lives, and so often, the challenges or frustrations or unexpected moments of parenting are the exact situations we need in order to stretch our virtue muscles.

So, rather than leaving all that subtext unsaid, we’re going spend the next ten weeks tackling these ten ways of being. We’ll discuss the virtue, the corresponding vice(s), and how putting these virtues into practice can benefit us holistically. I’ll offer a few suggestions for specific things we can resolve to practice for a week at a time, and I’d love to hear any other suggestions or resolutions that you all have. Posts will be short (at or under 1200 words) and I will keep discussions of potty training to a minimum, as I know that not everyone needs that information.³ Instead, we’ll focus primarily on understanding the virtue and applying it in parent-child interactions, as well as interactions between spouses and friends. By giving ourselves one very specific action to focus on in key relationships, my hope is that we can simultaneously build a habit of practicing virtue while also letting go of the expectation that we instantaneously and easily possess the fullness of each virtue.

I’m really excited to for this series, and I hope you are as well! If you know someone else who might be interested in jumping on this series from the get-go, please do invite them to join us. The more the merrier!

Have you ever potty trained someone? (If so, share your wildest story in the comments!) Did any of the items on the list above resonate with you, potty-training or otherwise?

1. I’ve written about EC before here. I know that not every family takes a non-coercive approach to potty training, and my intention here is not to argue for or against any decision you’ve made as a parent. You know yourself, your child, and your family best. The world doesn’t need another judgmental mom-blog. As always, take my advice and filter it through your intimate knowledge of your family dynamic.

2. I think I’ve linked in the past to Pope John XXIII’s “Daily Decalogue” but this is a similar concept—committing for a small time in a limited area can help us avoid the overwhelm that “forever” feels like.

3. That being said, if you are currently interested in discussing elimination communication or non-coercive potty training, I’m your gal! Shoot me an email at sara.dietz@godiaperfree.com and we can chat.